The definition of relaxation

I find myself questioning what I really consider relaxation, whether I've somehow managed to condition myself to consider relaxation in rather odd, entertainment-based terms.

I've been more mindful these days about doing what I consider best when I just want to wimp out and veg on the sofa watching television or wallow around feeling upset or something. I've continued to improve at just getting up and doing what I know I truly want/need to do and accomplish. I'm developing my discipline.

But at times when I have a half hour before bed and I truly just want to relax and unwind, my impulse is to watch a half hour of television. Is that really relaxing? I think I might be trying to turn my brain off, get it away from the constant questions and challenges and excitements of the day, but that doesn't exactly seem ideal. I would like to develop something more like gradually winding down, relaxing, calming... and it seems to me that being present to my world may in fact be rather important for that. And really, the kind of mindfulness that we talk about in Buddhism is all about being awake and yet relaxed. In theory, to live in this state more often, it should be easier to just let go of the awake part a bit when it comes time...

So here I am, deciding to read a newspaper article I have out and muse on the nature of relaxation on my blog, rather than watch television. But look at this: I've been up for a full hour now, my mind is racing with thoughts about small houses due to the article I was reading, and I feel as though I basically just succeeded in staying up and doing stuff for another hour rather than really relaxing for a while.

I might like to think I just need to find the right combination of things... classical music and warm milk and a good book of fiction. And yes, I do find that to be more calming and easier to fall asleep after than anything non-fiction or engaging with new ideas. But honestly, I think it's really more about something deeper. I think it's about finding that sense of calm and relaxation, that comfort with being present moment to moment, in general. And there are many things I know I can do to work on that.

I usually seem to be battling off sleep pretty rapidly when I do sitting meditation. Probably time to start taking advantage of this fact and meditating right before bed. Time to give it a try!