Today was a rough day from the moment I woke up, but now I'm going to bed with a real sense of purpose. The fibro was bad - exhausted, hurting, and unfocused - but I kept trying to work with it skillfully. Read a couple articles about dealing with chronic pain mindfully and did my best to take them to heart. And in the afternoon, I let myself do the mindless work of stuffing envelopes while listening to a couple of videos:
1. Steve Jobs on How to live before you die (good recommendation from a friend. http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die.html)
2. A panel discussion at the Wisdom 2.0 conference about Mindfulness in the Modern Workplace (http://www.wisdom2summit.com/Media/single_post/2011-conference-calm-in-the-storm-mindfulness-in-the-modern-work-environment-with-jon-kabat-zinn-rich-fernandez-stuart-crabb-and-michelle-gale)
In the process of reflecting on the challenges of motivating myself at my job, including some other observations I'd made recently, and listening to these two videos, some things clicked. Granted, I'm always refining my sense of what I enjoy doing, what I'd like to work towards, etc. - and this is just one more step. But still, a good one.
First, when I feel so crummy physically, I don't feel like I have a lot of resources to even BE mindful or work with it skillfully. I can't stand to do much more than put my head down on my desk and take a nap. But it seems like if something excites me enough - something that I have a natural interest in and excitement about - it can perk me up a surprising amount. Not a cure all certainly, but just listening to that Wisdom 2.0 video got my head on straight enough to apply myself to some tasks I'd put off all day - too bad it didn't happen till the work day was over. So as much as I find it important to gradually change my attitude about my symptoms, I'm also starting to think it's not totally crazy to think that finding real meaning in my work on a daily basis would help too.
It has become clear that I thrive on ideas. Observing myself since I started my new job, it's obvious that I'm happy and excited when I am coming up with new ideas - and happiest and most excited when I'm sharing them with others - whether that means presenting them (one directional) or brainstorming/exchanging ideas (two directions). In fact, gleaning new information about the work environment (opposite direction) is pretty darn enjoyable as well. I've been focused on how skillful I am at combining big picture and small details, ideation and execution... and that is absolutely true. But I've tried too hard to fit the daily necessities of an existing job into this framework - talking about how I do mundane tasks for my boss with an eye to the bigger picture. Well sure, I do - I'm constantly aware of the bigger picture, and occasionally that helps me catch something important. But let's be honest... I may be good at executive assistant type of work, but it's not really my calling. I don't terribly enjoy those miscellaneous mundane tasks that come with an administrative job. Even the consulting model I was starting to develop for a while emphasized how I could be a sort of one stop shop, admin resource for small business owners... take on bits of things in IT, marketing, all kinds of things. But that's still me trying to fit what I have experience in and what there's demand for into the framework of what I'm REALLY good at and REALLY enjoy. What if I just stuck with those last two things? They say that the key to finding fulfilling work is discovering a job that combines what you're good at, what you enjoy, and what is valued. And I can imagine a million settings in which those things I enjoy and am good at would be valued. Why do I keep trying to refer back to what I have experience with? I suppose it seems like a safer path. But screw safe. As Steve Jobs says in that talk, "stay hungry, stay foolish." I'm probably worse than the average person to the extent that I accomplish very little at all when I'm unmotivated, uninterested, etc. And quite likely better than the average person regarding what I can accomplish when I'm really excited... I think I'd better stop fighting this fundamental detail of my nature and just find a way to spend most of my energy on things that excite me.
I'm working in that direction already. Curriculum planning and teaching is all about ideas - both developing them in the planning process and sharing them in the presentation process. And right now I'm co-planning a 6 week swing dancing class that gets into the particulars of technique, developing two new presentations (on strategic administration and mindfulness in the office) for my admin professionals group, and co-developing a young adult group at the meditation center, complete with weekly curriculum. I'm most excited about this last one, and I honestly think it's because I'm actually exchanging ideas with another person in the planning process rather than sitting alone in my room coming up with ideas. This definitely reinforces the thought that I need to find ways of exchanging and building on the ideas of others, working collaboratively more often, etc.
There are certainly aspects of my current job that involve these skills. I think I'm mostly discouraged because these aspects of my job that I enjoy most aren't going anywhere. People seem to be fine with the idea that I'm dreaming up all kinds of things, but there isn't enough organizational will to make anything happen. And perhaps even most importantly, there's just not that level of feedback and exchange. Ironically though, I have complete control over the CRM project, and as of today I could get started on the actual development... but I'm dragging my feet because my enthusiasm has dribbled away somewhere along the line - and maybe because I would again be working on this somewhat alone. But I could probably get input along the way. Clearly this is something I need to get started on and apply myself to wholeheartedly. Perhaps I will rediscover my enthusiasm.
But I do also think I won't be happy staying there forever. I hope that I can focus on some things I truly enjoy, make a worthwhile contribution, and use it as an opportunity to convince myself that I have enough discipline to eventually work as a freelancer... because honestly, I think that's the direction in which I continue to move. More and more, I'm interested in presenting, writing, consulting, etc. And I have enough of a sense of what I want to share in terms of content, that I doubt there are many/any regular jobs out there doing what I'd want.
If I'm really going to let go of some of the daily administrative details though, I'm going to need to rethink my consulting business model. It might not be too complicated, really... but a matter of selling myself the right way, and having enough determination to present myself as an expert in something that on paper I don't have much experience in. But then again, I am developing that experience in whatever ways I can.
I'm going to start watching more videos while I work. Even mundane tasks become more worthwhile when I'm inspired.
I've also given up any tiny pretense I might have ever had about writing anything well structured in this blog. It's here for my own enjoyment and I'll never write anything if it's a production. Stream of consciousness works just fine for me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
A week in
I unplugged the converter box and laptop (for netflix instant) from my television and hid all the pieces in various closests last weekend. I've made the commitment to give up my number one crutch, my method of avoiding life and giving in to the feeling of exhaustion that so often accompanies my arrival home. The first week wasn't too hard, but today is testing my resolve.
It seems like as long as I manage not to give in, just being in this space without my standard avoidance mechanism brings me a particular brand of mindfulness. After all, I'm not really sure what to DO with myself... Initially I feel strangely limited, like there aren't any other options now that I've given up television. But even when I just sit there like an idiot, trying to figure out what else I can manage to do given the aching and exhaustion of my physical body, I'm THERE. It's hard to get past the fact that I'm here, with choices to make, with a physical body and a mind.
From the physical standpoint, this probably is a fairly powerful practice simply to be present with the pain, without trying to change it, without freaking out and telling myself my entire life will be defined by the unpleasant realities of my condition. I find myself asking to what extent the discomfort actually stops me from making a real dinner or vacuuming the living room. And I guess that's the important piece I so often remind myself of (because I'm surprisingly good at forgetting about it): curiosity. I am beginning to explore what it means to really be present in my body, even when I don't like how it feels. And in so doing, I'm opening up to a place that is more spacious mentally as well - even if just the smallest bit.
It seems like as long as I manage not to give in, just being in this space without my standard avoidance mechanism brings me a particular brand of mindfulness. After all, I'm not really sure what to DO with myself... Initially I feel strangely limited, like there aren't any other options now that I've given up television. But even when I just sit there like an idiot, trying to figure out what else I can manage to do given the aching and exhaustion of my physical body, I'm THERE. It's hard to get past the fact that I'm here, with choices to make, with a physical body and a mind.
From the physical standpoint, this probably is a fairly powerful practice simply to be present with the pain, without trying to change it, without freaking out and telling myself my entire life will be defined by the unpleasant realities of my condition. I find myself asking to what extent the discomfort actually stops me from making a real dinner or vacuuming the living room. And I guess that's the important piece I so often remind myself of (because I'm surprisingly good at forgetting about it): curiosity. I am beginning to explore what it means to really be present in my body, even when I don't like how it feels. And in so doing, I'm opening up to a place that is more spacious mentally as well - even if just the smallest bit.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
An Experiment in Intentional Living
I'm copying this post from my public blog. It was a mistake putting it there. It just doesn't fit with the mission of my blog at all, and it ended up being far too personal journal-y for my taste. I'd all but forgotten I even HAD a personal blog, but it's a nice way to have it out here somewhere for myself (and whoever) still - without messing up the professional blog. Pulling it down from there.
I should really write in this thing again sometime... one day... when I have free time to spend on things other than GMAT studying and trip planning and essay writing and reference cultivating.
What would it be like to live with every moment of your day planned out in advance? Or what if you threw out the schedule altogether, and nothing was ever planned at all? How would it feel to have no reason to think ahead because it's already mapped out for you? Or to never think ahead because you decide in the moment what feels right? Would both of these extremes lead to a greater sense of immediacy and presence in what you're doing moment to moment? Or would they be so extreme and limiting that you would feel desperate and out of control?
These are some of the questions I will explore on a new adventure for the next three weeks - an adventure I'd like you to join me on, as I record some of my observations and reflect on topics of personal motivation, structure, and focus in our lives. I will update this blog entry as I go, and invite you to comment on anything I say and your own reflections on these topics of how we experience our everyday lives.
WEEK ONE - TOTAL STRUCTURE: Plan out every hour of my entire week in advance and follow it to the letter of the law. Furthermore, plan it out the way I THINK I should live it, including more exercise than I might normally get and more focused attention to get priority things checked off my to do list. I'd better schedule a little relaxation time too so I don't lose my mind. This first week is the reason why I initially wanted to do this project - just to make sure I get things done, see if I can live this way (though I've been informed that others think I already live this way).
WEEK TWO - TOTAL FREEDOM: Plan nothing in advance. Focus on what I'm doing until I'm ready to be done doing it, and then decide what is next. Make no advanced commitments, and avoid falling into old patterns about what I think I want to do or should accomplish. Question what could be next and explore spontaneity. This week is the reason I probably SHOULD actually do this project, and the place where I truly have the most to explore. I might actually manage to do something completely unexpected.
WEEK THREE - TOTAL BALANCE: Contemplate how to find a balance between these extremes. Given my observations from the previous two weeks, try to develop a new norm without necessarily just falling into how I always used to do it. Already I have in mind some of the lessons I will learn along the way, but they're not really lessons if I can plan it out, are they? Hopefully by the time I reach this point, the project's nature will have changed for me.
Motivation. Structure. Focus. These topics are central to who I am. I think they're central to who we all are and how we live our daily lives, but I do have a feeling that I think about them more than most. If I'm going to spend my days focusing so much on how I can find continued energy to keep motivated and keep working, while cultivating a healthy body and mind and allowing relaxation time to stay sane ... I might as well really dive in and try something a little whacky. This may be an opportunity to deepen the insights I already have, discover new ones, or maybe just confirm that the messy approximation of balance we live in is pretty appealing compared to the alternatives.
THE JOURNAL
8/29/10 (Sunday): The experiment begins tomorrow. Already I'm feeling a bit tired and constrained by the amount of effort I've had to put into planning out my week. I find myself developing an appreciation for how effective it is to play the smaller things in life by ear. Planning my exact menu for the week to include the days I don't have time to cook is much harder than I expected. Yet somehow if I wasn't planning this out, I'd get fed. Then again, it might be in a less healthy or affordable way. Such is the trade off. I'll be curious to see how much I appreciate or dislike the fact that I've already made my decisions about what to eat this week.
9/3/10 (Friday, Week 1): I like this experiment less every day. I was energized at first, ready to settle down into some of its routine and the satisfaction of getting things accomplished. But it has seemed to feel an awful lot like my normal life half the time, and a pain in the rear the other half.
The Structure of Health I have to admit: this has got to be the most consistently well fed, slept, exercised and meditated I've ever been in my life. Somehow I expected that taking care of myself so well would lead to feeling great, being cheerful and motivated. As a general rule, that is in fact how it works for me. But I don't feel that much better than usual. (Maybe because I'm actually pretty good at staying healthy normally anyhow?) In fact, I seem to have trouble getting over feeling crabby for having to get up and exercise even when I feel exhausted. I can't help but wonder though if this would wear off and I'd gain the most benefit if I could continue on this way for longer. I think a high degree of structure IS important for these kinds of healthy choices so that they become ingrained as true habits and eventually stop being something you agonize over. I've thought that for a long time. Somehow I just seem to lack the motivation to be disciplined enough a lot of the time.
Social Flexibility Predictably, the biggest challenges to keeping my schedule have been outside influences like people suddenly remembering they had other plans for the night. Normally I'd say "let's get together on Wednesday instead," but in this case that isn't an option. So I did my best to continue with the plan, alone. I think it's pretty obvious that one of the important reasons why we don't live completely structured lives is to make space for the people we care about and important unexpected happenings. It hasn't been TOO much of a problem so far though. Just annoying. Causing me to say "I hate this experiment" a number of times. Probably not the best attitude.
Short of Immersion Due to the nature of my job, I'm not imposing the rules of the experiment during my work day, so the main parts of my day that feel very structured are mornings and evenings. I think I find it more difficult to take the structured periods seriously and maintain the motivation to stay on schedule due to this back and forth nature. Not much to be done about it - but I do wonder if that suggests that in some ways a more extreme/complete approach really is ideal to truly stay on task. It seems that as I stick to my schedule, a certain sort of energy is slowly built up, but it's dissipated when I switch to a different mode of operating. There's no time to just fully settle into the structure, the predictability, the simplicity of being where I am doing what I am. This weekend may present more of an opportunity to do that though. I will add another report soon.
P.S. I was just about to add a little section about cheating, how I keep trying to bend my own rules. Then I realized I'm 7 minutes over time for writing this, and I should stop trying to bend the rules. Time to move onto the next scheduled task. Yes, I know, writing this also took like another 1 minute or something over my time. Irony.
9/21 (Tuesday, Week 4): Wait, what? Week 4? You thought this was a three week experiment, didn’t you?
I think I’m overdue to provide an update on my experience.
Resisting Control Due to the level of planning in the first week, I got some good things accomplished, and I was in good health. But I never reached a point of settling into the routine and feeling a sense of calmness as I somewhat expected to happen. To the contrary, I never got past feeling tired and strained by the constraints on me, and I actually lost the motivation to stick to the letter of the law as the week wore on. By the last day, I was following the spirit of my plans rather than the actual schedule, making sure I did the same things for about the same length of time but moving them around to make it more bearable.
Rules of the Game One of the most defining features of both that week and the following week was lots of debates with myself and others about what was and was not allowed within the structure of my experiment. Could I make advanced plans during week two if I felt in the moment like making them? How much should I emphasize pleasure and doing what seemed easy and appealing, versus emphasizing substance and doing what struck me as a good idea? My conception of week two was unclear compared to week one, leaving me uncertain of what I was doing and why. When I stopped to ask myself what I really felt like doing, all too often I found myself short on ideas for things that seemed appealing, and short on energy to execute.
Failure My most clear conclusion from the experiment so far is that lack of structure does not become me. Truly letting myself decide in the moment what I felt like doing, I didn’t get out of bed until the last minute, I didn’t wash the dishes, and I didn’t eat as well (or as often) as usual. Furthermore, within a few days of this, I felt terrible. Maybe it was worth the experience to run to the grocery store at 10pm for pizza and ice cream, or to discover that I’d still end up washing the dishes because they’d stink so badly after a few days that I’d genuinely want to wash them just to make the smell go away. I reached a point where I was tired and achey and hungry enough that I craved exercise, craved fresh vegetables and early bed times. And yet, all of those things somehow became unattainable, too much work. As a result of feeling so terribly run down by the end of the week, I switched the rules of the game to make week 3 just a recovery from week 2, a transition back towards better health and getting some things off my checklist.
Fearlessness Probing the possibilities of what it could mean to be more spontaneous during week 2, just one has stayed with me as significant and important: fearlessness. If I have a spontaneous idea to eat ice cream for dinner instead of a balanced meal, that’s probably just avoidance, a temptation to do the easy thing, and something that I won’t be so thrilled about later. Ignoring that idea and going with the original plan is not boring and predictable – it’s just plain smart. However, if I have a spontaneous idea to email someone whose work I admire and ask them to lunch to discuss some questions I have, not following through is more a reflection of fear than responsibility. We’re all afraid of making idiots of ourselves, of taking the wrong risks. And sometimes not doing something is the right choice in a risk trade off. But a lot of the time it’s not, and it’s worth moving forward even when we’re not sure in order to practice this kind of gutsiness. Amidst eating too many empty carbs and spending more money on unnecessary things than usual, week 2 also led me to send a number of messages to people I haven’t met but who I’d like to. That was worth something, even if I haven’t heard back, and it gave me some momentum from which I’m still benefiting.
Structures breeds spontaneity During my week of structure, I couldn’t wait for the next week to begin. In the middle of working on projects, I’d constantly have great ideas about other things I wanted to do and felt all this spontaneous energy building up. Day one of week two began, and I had nothing. All of my options seemed grim, and I spent 3 hours just debating how to start my day. It rapidly occurred to me that to be more spontaneous, I needed that structure at the same time. I needed to be engaged in things already as a matter of course in order for something unexpected to present itself. Perhaps this is a contradiction for some people, but it makes perfect sense to me. It’s like giving a poet the structure of a sonnet or an artist the limits of a medium. Constraints breed creativity.
The New Rules The three weeks of my experiment were more exhausting and less rewarding than I’d counted on. That being the case, I’m not going to waste the lessons learned. I’m expanding the week of balance to three weeks of balance. By the time that period is “over,” I hope many of its characteristics will be permanent habits for me. Here are the guidelines I've put together for these next three weeks:
Did I really learn anything new from my experiment so far? Probably not. What I’ve outlined here as my plan for the next few weeks isn’t even much different from how I’ve always sought to live my daily life previously. But sometimes it helps to bring a new degree of intentionality into the picture, add a new dimension or angle, wake ourselves up a little bit to the life in front of us. Perhaps this was more of a giant reminder for me than a new exploration – an experience of saying to myself “See, remember, this is what happens when you try to control yourself too much. This is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. And this is what happens when you tweak the balance just right – unleashing the most energy possible into your life.” We’ll see about that last part.
Updated structure:
Week one: Structure
Week two: Freedom
Week three: Recovery
Weeks four-six: Balance
I should really write in this thing again sometime... one day... when I have free time to spend on things other than GMAT studying and trip planning and essay writing and reference cultivating.
What would it be like to live with every moment of your day planned out in advance? Or what if you threw out the schedule altogether, and nothing was ever planned at all? How would it feel to have no reason to think ahead because it's already mapped out for you? Or to never think ahead because you decide in the moment what feels right? Would both of these extremes lead to a greater sense of immediacy and presence in what you're doing moment to moment? Or would they be so extreme and limiting that you would feel desperate and out of control?
These are some of the questions I will explore on a new adventure for the next three weeks - an adventure I'd like you to join me on, as I record some of my observations and reflect on topics of personal motivation, structure, and focus in our lives. I will update this blog entry as I go, and invite you to comment on anything I say and your own reflections on these topics of how we experience our everyday lives.
WEEK ONE - TOTAL STRUCTURE: Plan out every hour of my entire week in advance and follow it to the letter of the law. Furthermore, plan it out the way I THINK I should live it, including more exercise than I might normally get and more focused attention to get priority things checked off my to do list. I'd better schedule a little relaxation time too so I don't lose my mind. This first week is the reason why I initially wanted to do this project - just to make sure I get things done, see if I can live this way (though I've been informed that others think I already live this way).
WEEK TWO - TOTAL FREEDOM: Plan nothing in advance. Focus on what I'm doing until I'm ready to be done doing it, and then decide what is next. Make no advanced commitments, and avoid falling into old patterns about what I think I want to do or should accomplish. Question what could be next and explore spontaneity. This week is the reason I probably SHOULD actually do this project, and the place where I truly have the most to explore. I might actually manage to do something completely unexpected.
WEEK THREE - TOTAL BALANCE: Contemplate how to find a balance between these extremes. Given my observations from the previous two weeks, try to develop a new norm without necessarily just falling into how I always used to do it. Already I have in mind some of the lessons I will learn along the way, but they're not really lessons if I can plan it out, are they? Hopefully by the time I reach this point, the project's nature will have changed for me.
Motivation. Structure. Focus. These topics are central to who I am. I think they're central to who we all are and how we live our daily lives, but I do have a feeling that I think about them more than most. If I'm going to spend my days focusing so much on how I can find continued energy to keep motivated and keep working, while cultivating a healthy body and mind and allowing relaxation time to stay sane ... I might as well really dive in and try something a little whacky. This may be an opportunity to deepen the insights I already have, discover new ones, or maybe just confirm that the messy approximation of balance we live in is pretty appealing compared to the alternatives.
THE JOURNAL
8/29/10 (Sunday): The experiment begins tomorrow. Already I'm feeling a bit tired and constrained by the amount of effort I've had to put into planning out my week. I find myself developing an appreciation for how effective it is to play the smaller things in life by ear. Planning my exact menu for the week to include the days I don't have time to cook is much harder than I expected. Yet somehow if I wasn't planning this out, I'd get fed. Then again, it might be in a less healthy or affordable way. Such is the trade off. I'll be curious to see how much I appreciate or dislike the fact that I've already made my decisions about what to eat this week.
9/3/10 (Friday, Week 1): I like this experiment less every day. I was energized at first, ready to settle down into some of its routine and the satisfaction of getting things accomplished. But it has seemed to feel an awful lot like my normal life half the time, and a pain in the rear the other half.
The Structure of Health I have to admit: this has got to be the most consistently well fed, slept, exercised and meditated I've ever been in my life. Somehow I expected that taking care of myself so well would lead to feeling great, being cheerful and motivated. As a general rule, that is in fact how it works for me. But I don't feel that much better than usual. (Maybe because I'm actually pretty good at staying healthy normally anyhow?) In fact, I seem to have trouble getting over feeling crabby for having to get up and exercise even when I feel exhausted. I can't help but wonder though if this would wear off and I'd gain the most benefit if I could continue on this way for longer. I think a high degree of structure IS important for these kinds of healthy choices so that they become ingrained as true habits and eventually stop being something you agonize over. I've thought that for a long time. Somehow I just seem to lack the motivation to be disciplined enough a lot of the time.
Social Flexibility Predictably, the biggest challenges to keeping my schedule have been outside influences like people suddenly remembering they had other plans for the night. Normally I'd say "let's get together on Wednesday instead," but in this case that isn't an option. So I did my best to continue with the plan, alone. I think it's pretty obvious that one of the important reasons why we don't live completely structured lives is to make space for the people we care about and important unexpected happenings. It hasn't been TOO much of a problem so far though. Just annoying. Causing me to say "I hate this experiment" a number of times. Probably not the best attitude.
Short of Immersion Due to the nature of my job, I'm not imposing the rules of the experiment during my work day, so the main parts of my day that feel very structured are mornings and evenings. I think I find it more difficult to take the structured periods seriously and maintain the motivation to stay on schedule due to this back and forth nature. Not much to be done about it - but I do wonder if that suggests that in some ways a more extreme/complete approach really is ideal to truly stay on task. It seems that as I stick to my schedule, a certain sort of energy is slowly built up, but it's dissipated when I switch to a different mode of operating. There's no time to just fully settle into the structure, the predictability, the simplicity of being where I am doing what I am. This weekend may present more of an opportunity to do that though. I will add another report soon.
P.S. I was just about to add a little section about cheating, how I keep trying to bend my own rules. Then I realized I'm 7 minutes over time for writing this, and I should stop trying to bend the rules. Time to move onto the next scheduled task. Yes, I know, writing this also took like another 1 minute or something over my time. Irony.
9/21 (Tuesday, Week 4): Wait, what? Week 4? You thought this was a three week experiment, didn’t you?
I think I’m overdue to provide an update on my experience.
Resisting Control Due to the level of planning in the first week, I got some good things accomplished, and I was in good health. But I never reached a point of settling into the routine and feeling a sense of calmness as I somewhat expected to happen. To the contrary, I never got past feeling tired and strained by the constraints on me, and I actually lost the motivation to stick to the letter of the law as the week wore on. By the last day, I was following the spirit of my plans rather than the actual schedule, making sure I did the same things for about the same length of time but moving them around to make it more bearable.
Rules of the Game One of the most defining features of both that week and the following week was lots of debates with myself and others about what was and was not allowed within the structure of my experiment. Could I make advanced plans during week two if I felt in the moment like making them? How much should I emphasize pleasure and doing what seemed easy and appealing, versus emphasizing substance and doing what struck me as a good idea? My conception of week two was unclear compared to week one, leaving me uncertain of what I was doing and why. When I stopped to ask myself what I really felt like doing, all too often I found myself short on ideas for things that seemed appealing, and short on energy to execute.
Failure My most clear conclusion from the experiment so far is that lack of structure does not become me. Truly letting myself decide in the moment what I felt like doing, I didn’t get out of bed until the last minute, I didn’t wash the dishes, and I didn’t eat as well (or as often) as usual. Furthermore, within a few days of this, I felt terrible. Maybe it was worth the experience to run to the grocery store at 10pm for pizza and ice cream, or to discover that I’d still end up washing the dishes because they’d stink so badly after a few days that I’d genuinely want to wash them just to make the smell go away. I reached a point where I was tired and achey and hungry enough that I craved exercise, craved fresh vegetables and early bed times. And yet, all of those things somehow became unattainable, too much work. As a result of feeling so terribly run down by the end of the week, I switched the rules of the game to make week 3 just a recovery from week 2, a transition back towards better health and getting some things off my checklist.
Fearlessness Probing the possibilities of what it could mean to be more spontaneous during week 2, just one has stayed with me as significant and important: fearlessness. If I have a spontaneous idea to eat ice cream for dinner instead of a balanced meal, that’s probably just avoidance, a temptation to do the easy thing, and something that I won’t be so thrilled about later. Ignoring that idea and going with the original plan is not boring and predictable – it’s just plain smart. However, if I have a spontaneous idea to email someone whose work I admire and ask them to lunch to discuss some questions I have, not following through is more a reflection of fear than responsibility. We’re all afraid of making idiots of ourselves, of taking the wrong risks. And sometimes not doing something is the right choice in a risk trade off. But a lot of the time it’s not, and it’s worth moving forward even when we’re not sure in order to practice this kind of gutsiness. Amidst eating too many empty carbs and spending more money on unnecessary things than usual, week 2 also led me to send a number of messages to people I haven’t met but who I’d like to. That was worth something, even if I haven’t heard back, and it gave me some momentum from which I’m still benefiting.
Structures breeds spontaneity During my week of structure, I couldn’t wait for the next week to begin. In the middle of working on projects, I’d constantly have great ideas about other things I wanted to do and felt all this spontaneous energy building up. Day one of week two began, and I had nothing. All of my options seemed grim, and I spent 3 hours just debating how to start my day. It rapidly occurred to me that to be more spontaneous, I needed that structure at the same time. I needed to be engaged in things already as a matter of course in order for something unexpected to present itself. Perhaps this is a contradiction for some people, but it makes perfect sense to me. It’s like giving a poet the structure of a sonnet or an artist the limits of a medium. Constraints breed creativity.
The New Rules The three weeks of my experiment were more exhausting and less rewarding than I’d counted on. That being the case, I’m not going to waste the lessons learned. I’m expanding the week of balance to three weeks of balance. By the time that period is “over,” I hope many of its characteristics will be permanent habits for me. Here are the guidelines I've put together for these next three weeks:
Structure Not everyone thrives within structure the way I do (or crashes so phenomenally just from getting only 7 hours of sleep a night and eating fewer vegetables). But I’m a firm believer in the merits of structure in our lives, particularly as it relates to self care. Making food, sleep, and exercise into habits frees up mental energy for other endeavors in more ways than one. They decrease the amount of willpower needed to get through the day effectively, and even reduce the number of openings for us to debate with ourselves about whether we have the willpower.
- Sleep: Wake up and go to bed at strict times, with specific routines for various daily tasks to match.
- Food and exercise: Plan 1-2 days in advance at a time and stick with the plan unless the reason not to is exceptionally good. This takes off the pressure of planning too much at once while taking off the pressure of making the right decision in the moment.
- Tasks/projects: Similar to food and exercise plans, reflect every day or two about what current priorities should be and have specific plans for what to accomplish each day.
Freedom While the outward structure for these weeks will seem more like my structured week, they will be infused with the spirit of spontaneity and freedom.
- Exceptions: Changes of plan and new ideas in the moment are taken as a matter of course as far as how I’m spending my allotted waking hours. Flimsy excuses for not following through on my tasks for the day are not tolerated, but redirections of priorities are welcomed.
- Fearlessness: Remember to be gutsy, do the things that really follow through on my goals, and set aside invalid excuses.
- Enjoyment: Allow space to rest, and use the container of structure to notice how enjoyable all the experiences within it can be.
Did I really learn anything new from my experiment so far? Probably not. What I’ve outlined here as my plan for the next few weeks isn’t even much different from how I’ve always sought to live my daily life previously. But sometimes it helps to bring a new degree of intentionality into the picture, add a new dimension or angle, wake ourselves up a little bit to the life in front of us. Perhaps this was more of a giant reminder for me than a new exploration – an experience of saying to myself “See, remember, this is what happens when you try to control yourself too much. This is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. And this is what happens when you tweak the balance just right – unleashing the most energy possible into your life.” We’ll see about that last part.
Updated structure:
Week one: Structure
Week two: Freedom
Week three: Recovery
Weeks four-six: Balance
Friday, July 23, 2010
The definition of relaxation
I find myself questioning what I really consider relaxation, whether I've somehow managed to condition myself to consider relaxation in rather odd, entertainment-based terms.
I've been more mindful these days about doing what I consider best when I just want to wimp out and veg on the sofa watching television or wallow around feeling upset or something. I've continued to improve at just getting up and doing what I know I truly want/need to do and accomplish. I'm developing my discipline.
But at times when I have a half hour before bed and I truly just want to relax and unwind, my impulse is to watch a half hour of television. Is that really relaxing? I think I might be trying to turn my brain off, get it away from the constant questions and challenges and excitements of the day, but that doesn't exactly seem ideal. I would like to develop something more like gradually winding down, relaxing, calming... and it seems to me that being present to my world may in fact be rather important for that. And really, the kind of mindfulness that we talk about in Buddhism is all about being awake and yet relaxed. In theory, to live in this state more often, it should be easier to just let go of the awake part a bit when it comes time...
So here I am, deciding to read a newspaper article I have out and muse on the nature of relaxation on my blog, rather than watch television. But look at this: I've been up for a full hour now, my mind is racing with thoughts about small houses due to the article I was reading, and I feel as though I basically just succeeded in staying up and doing stuff for another hour rather than really relaxing for a while.
I might like to think I just need to find the right combination of things... classical music and warm milk and a good book of fiction. And yes, I do find that to be more calming and easier to fall asleep after than anything non-fiction or engaging with new ideas. But honestly, I think it's really more about something deeper. I think it's about finding that sense of calm and relaxation, that comfort with being present moment to moment, in general. And there are many things I know I can do to work on that.
I usually seem to be battling off sleep pretty rapidly when I do sitting meditation. Probably time to start taking advantage of this fact and meditating right before bed. Time to give it a try!
I've been more mindful these days about doing what I consider best when I just want to wimp out and veg on the sofa watching television or wallow around feeling upset or something. I've continued to improve at just getting up and doing what I know I truly want/need to do and accomplish. I'm developing my discipline.
But at times when I have a half hour before bed and I truly just want to relax and unwind, my impulse is to watch a half hour of television. Is that really relaxing? I think I might be trying to turn my brain off, get it away from the constant questions and challenges and excitements of the day, but that doesn't exactly seem ideal. I would like to develop something more like gradually winding down, relaxing, calming... and it seems to me that being present to my world may in fact be rather important for that. And really, the kind of mindfulness that we talk about in Buddhism is all about being awake and yet relaxed. In theory, to live in this state more often, it should be easier to just let go of the awake part a bit when it comes time...
So here I am, deciding to read a newspaper article I have out and muse on the nature of relaxation on my blog, rather than watch television. But look at this: I've been up for a full hour now, my mind is racing with thoughts about small houses due to the article I was reading, and I feel as though I basically just succeeded in staying up and doing stuff for another hour rather than really relaxing for a while.
I might like to think I just need to find the right combination of things... classical music and warm milk and a good book of fiction. And yes, I do find that to be more calming and easier to fall asleep after than anything non-fiction or engaging with new ideas. But honestly, I think it's really more about something deeper. I think it's about finding that sense of calm and relaxation, that comfort with being present moment to moment, in general. And there are many things I know I can do to work on that.
I usually seem to be battling off sleep pretty rapidly when I do sitting meditation. Probably time to start taking advantage of this fact and meditating right before bed. Time to give it a try!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
At the moment
I can hear the ceiling fan creaking and clicking overhead, and that sort of full bodied quietness of night time with the windows open.
There are so many thoughts that could threaten to overtake me, for the awareness of possibilities tends to excite me and get me all in a dither. But for now, it seems that my larger mind just sees them and lets them pass by, or lets them sit there lurking under the table without feeling the need to feed them table scraps and train them to keep coming back.
There is agitation and unrest even in the midst of this peacefulness, but in some ways it almost makes the peace more full, more real.
It has been a long time since I so enjoyed the fact of going to bed for the real experience of it and the satisfaction of knowing its benefit in my life, even while wanting so much in so many ways to remain conscious - to rest here a bit longer, to think with a little more clarity than usual, to act on things I often dither my way out of clearly acting on.
Part of building real abiding confidence is having the trust that doing the right thing, caring for those basic physical needs rather than allowing myself to give special dispensation to unusually enjoyable or clear states of mind, strengthens the likelihood of their return... trusting that one way or another, I am on my way somewhere, and letting go, not needing to own this moment or this mind, is the path.
There are so many thoughts that could threaten to overtake me, for the awareness of possibilities tends to excite me and get me all in a dither. But for now, it seems that my larger mind just sees them and lets them pass by, or lets them sit there lurking under the table without feeling the need to feed them table scraps and train them to keep coming back.
There is agitation and unrest even in the midst of this peacefulness, but in some ways it almost makes the peace more full, more real.
It has been a long time since I so enjoyed the fact of going to bed for the real experience of it and the satisfaction of knowing its benefit in my life, even while wanting so much in so many ways to remain conscious - to rest here a bit longer, to think with a little more clarity than usual, to act on things I often dither my way out of clearly acting on.
Part of building real abiding confidence is having the trust that doing the right thing, caring for those basic physical needs rather than allowing myself to give special dispensation to unusually enjoyable or clear states of mind, strengthens the likelihood of their return... trusting that one way or another, I am on my way somewhere, and letting go, not needing to own this moment or this mind, is the path.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Gentleness, nowness, and inquisitiveness
I've gotten pretty darn good at this whole gentleness with yourself thing. Suddenly I'm realizing that there's just a whole layer of self doubt and self harassment and self deprecation that just isn't happening for me. I've gotten really good at accepting things as they are, including my own thoughts and emotions (comparatively, of course - we all always have a long ways to go). And there's just been this vague feeling of, "okay, now what?"
At last night's Contentment in Everyday Life class, three qualities of contentment were discussed: gentleness, nowness and inquisitiveness. And I realized that sure, I've got the gentleness thing covered far better than any other point in my life. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm settled into the present moment and fully engaged, inquisitive, alert. So that's my emphasis now... within that feeling of acceptance and gentleness, how do I continually perk myself up, see what's around me, and find that sense of inquisitiveness.
This morning I not only did my physical therapy exercises, but managed to do the sitting meditation and contemplation as assigned in class as well. As part of my gentleness program I've accepted that daily meditation practice just isn't a priority for me right now because I need to put my disciplined energies into other things, but the benefits I experienced from practicing this single day remind me why it's still a goal... and make me think maybe it's time to start re-prioritizing it even if I do have more than ever to put my attention on. It's not just one more thing to fit into the day... it's the foundation for everything else. But I think I'm finding that I don't need to decide, okay, now I'm going to start doing this every day. I can just notice the benefits and the fact that I was glad to do it, and look to see opportunities each day where I can integrate it more.
I think perhaps the contemplation exercises seem more immediately helpful to me than shamatha meditation, which makes sense given the way I have generally internalized these teachings more by understanding and practicing the techniques in my daily life than by meditating and then bringing that out into the world. But they also make the meditation feel more meaningful as well, turn it into a sort of support for the contemplation.
At last night's Contentment in Everyday Life class, three qualities of contentment were discussed: gentleness, nowness and inquisitiveness. And I realized that sure, I've got the gentleness thing covered far better than any other point in my life. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm settled into the present moment and fully engaged, inquisitive, alert. So that's my emphasis now... within that feeling of acceptance and gentleness, how do I continually perk myself up, see what's around me, and find that sense of inquisitiveness.
This morning I not only did my physical therapy exercises, but managed to do the sitting meditation and contemplation as assigned in class as well. As part of my gentleness program I've accepted that daily meditation practice just isn't a priority for me right now because I need to put my disciplined energies into other things, but the benefits I experienced from practicing this single day remind me why it's still a goal... and make me think maybe it's time to start re-prioritizing it even if I do have more than ever to put my attention on. It's not just one more thing to fit into the day... it's the foundation for everything else. But I think I'm finding that I don't need to decide, okay, now I'm going to start doing this every day. I can just notice the benefits and the fact that I was glad to do it, and look to see opportunities each day where I can integrate it more.
I think perhaps the contemplation exercises seem more immediately helpful to me than shamatha meditation, which makes sense given the way I have generally internalized these teachings more by understanding and practicing the techniques in my daily life than by meditating and then bringing that out into the world. But they also make the meditation feel more meaningful as well, turn it into a sort of support for the contemplation.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tweets
It's lovely outside. I drove home with the windows down. Now I'm watching the sun set through my kitchen window, which is cracked to enjoy the fresh air and the birdsong. There is something so fresh and real about this simple experience.
My RSS feeds are already eating me alive, and I haven't even had them set up for a week. Having chosen to engage more actively, stay on top of various blogs and other emerging sources of information/exchange regarding design thinking and related concepts (and I seem to be relating everything these days), I am indeed already overwhelmed by the quantity of information and discussion out here on the internet. I had previously avoided maladies like an addiction to facebook, but having a more compelling reason to engage with with the digital, socially networked world seems to have pulled me into the vortex.
It's interested to come up for breath for a moment, look around and realize how compelling this physical world in front of me is. I'm lost online and in my head because I'm excited about engaging with the world, but I must remember that's why I'm there in the first place. I do have a lot of catching up to do, much to read and write and think about. But there's no point in any of it if it's not grounded in the direct experience of life. I look forward to finding a healthy balance in these things.
So, to my nonexistent readers, feel free to follow me on my new twitter page @dianaluepke - I do my best to tweet worthwhile things (links I find truly worth sharing, etc.), only about once a day. But I can't pretend to even begin to be as compelling as the tweeting coming from outside my window. (Oh, I know, it's a horrible and horribly obvious pun/trope, but I had to do it. I like bad puns, and I'm usually not quick enough to even notice the obvious ones, so I'm usually stuck laughing at those delivered by other people.)
My RSS feeds are already eating me alive, and I haven't even had them set up for a week. Having chosen to engage more actively, stay on top of various blogs and other emerging sources of information/exchange regarding design thinking and related concepts (and I seem to be relating everything these days), I am indeed already overwhelmed by the quantity of information and discussion out here on the internet. I had previously avoided maladies like an addiction to facebook, but having a more compelling reason to engage with with the digital, socially networked world seems to have pulled me into the vortex.
It's interested to come up for breath for a moment, look around and realize how compelling this physical world in front of me is. I'm lost online and in my head because I'm excited about engaging with the world, but I must remember that's why I'm there in the first place. I do have a lot of catching up to do, much to read and write and think about. But there's no point in any of it if it's not grounded in the direct experience of life. I look forward to finding a healthy balance in these things.
So, to my nonexistent readers, feel free to follow me on my new twitter page @dianaluepke - I do my best to tweet worthwhile things (links I find truly worth sharing, etc.), only about once a day. But I can't pretend to even begin to be as compelling as the tweeting coming from outside my window. (Oh, I know, it's a horrible and horribly obvious pun/trope, but I had to do it. I like bad puns, and I'm usually not quick enough to even notice the obvious ones, so I'm usually stuck laughing at those delivered by other people.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)