As it turns out

I have been working on settling into things as they are, wherever and whenever possible. It doesn't seem to be much of a choice if I want to get anywhere, but sometimes it doesn't feel like much of a choice.

I recently finished listening to "The Rules of Victory: How to Transform Chaos and Conflict - Strategies from The Art of War". Tied as it is to the Shambhala tradition, I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise that its advice ultimately boiled down to developing a view that works with things as they are, with no one size fits all concrete answers or plans of action. I was glad when they finally got around to the "strategies," but they were just various ways of verbalizing the same insubstantial theory. Yet I'm grateful for Bill's suggestion of the book - it appears that it helps to have it drilled through your brain that the view IS the strategy. And I have in fact found it to be a truly worthwhile guide for dealing with conflict. It just turns out that all those words and metaphors boiled down to the same old story: relax, pay attention, and exert yourself where it makes sense to do so. (Then chill out a little more even.)

It seems the past couple of days have offered many opportunities to put these principles into action...

I returned to work today after a week off, and immediately encountered not only numerous computer malfunctions but some general shuffling around due to a staff member's departure last week. Tony (the coworker I work most closely with) and I were asked to take a look at a new employee requisition for the new hire, and it seemed clear that this was the opportunity to voice some ideas about how I'd like to see our admin group's positions restructured. It was now or never, and we agreed that I would approach my supervisor about it, putting a good deal of thought into how to best talk to her about it. And yet just before putting the plan into action, the situation shifted - my supervisor's attitude seemed to change, she asked me to finish up my review of the document within the hour because the hiring process needed to move forward immediately, and I could sense that my intended approach would most likely aggravate her.

I remembered a line from The Sun Tzu Art of War: "If it accords with advantage, act. If it does not accord with advantage, stop." I thought of this, and thought it seemed as though the advantage had suddenly dropped away, so perhaps I should simply stop, say nothing. But I tried to set aside my personal grasping desire to have my ideas heard and implemented, and look at the full picture. In terms of general timing, this was an advantageous time to bring up these points, but human interactions have many nuances and are difficult to even TELL what is advantageous, and her mood or approach could make a real difference. Yet at the same time, human interactions have many nuances, and thus perhaps more nuanced possibilities for finessing things and actually molding advantage. I found a way to approach her that focused on deferring to her need to move forward, emphasized an offer of service rather than MY ideas, and allowed her an opportunity to be the one to ask for more information. And within 15 minutes, she decided we were getting at something worthwhile (it seems Tony also ended up bringing up the topic in a more informal way), agreed with our suggestion for taking a different approach to the new hire, and even verbalized the deeper thoughts we had but deemed it unadvantageous to focus on.

It was a bit of one of those "make it seem like their idea" situations - but I've never liked that phrasing, or been able to effect anything that seemed to work that way before. Perhaps it's more a matter of making it easy for people to gracefully accept your idea while claiming some involvement or ownership of it as well. "Making it seem like their idea" seems a bit insulting to the other party, as though they cannot stand to give credit where it is due, and you must manipulate them to get a reasonable outcome. Perhaps sometimes we all have issues with wanting the credit for ourselves, perhaps it's easiest on all of us if someone makes something seem like our idea - but I still prefer a view that gives both parties credit, that involves a real exchange and is simply a matter of approaching other people in a way that is most accessible and non-threatening to them. In this, my first really conscious successful experience of "making it seem like their idea," it seemed to me that it was really all about me getting over myself, letting go of my ideas of power struggles or making my ideas heard or trying to force something to work - and relaxing, paying attention, and deciding my actions based on the actual situation in front of me. And it seems my interactions at work have been improving in this direction in general - so often lately, I'm pleased as punch with how things turn out, even when I totally disagree with the outcome, because I can say "I'm really pleased with myself for how I handled that. This is probably as well as it could have turned out." Maybe there's hope for me attaining social grace yet.

As mom occasionally points out, I can come across as rather intense sometimes. In the end, this mostly just turns people off, and I've been working on wearing down the edges for a long time - though that doesn't mean I intend to lose any of the energy that fuels that edge. What a nice ideal to aim for... the same energy, investment in things, and sincerity, but delivered and experienced through a sense of calmness and stability instead of rocketing all over the place.
Most of my experiences in life, particularly those involving conflict, reflect this issue - both the backlash of that intensity, and the reward of finding a new approach. The battles I fight at work, and their changing composition, reflect it. And my involvement with Cream City Swing - particularly my interaction with my business partners - reflects it. Things have gotten messy on that front... I'm concerned about some legal issues, liability, etc. and today I had a business counselor at SCORE agree with me that I should be very worried about the position I'm in and where I'm going from here, and to consult a lawyer ASAP. I'm moving forward on that and I'm not ultimately all that worried, even though every conversation I've had over the past few days has added to my list of reasons to be concerned. Friday was a very difficult day because I reached a low point in terms of feeling stuck - conversations since then with Catie, Doug and Mom (not to mention SCORE and WEN counselors) have helped to improve my mood because they helped me get a more accurate understanding of my situation and move forward on making decisions.

Talking about things with friends and family has always been a way I've processed things and been able to move forward - but sometimes it's also sometimes how I get further stuck. I'm most pleased with a growing approach: I gave myself a break from the whole thing for most of Saturday, and just focused on clearing and calming my mind. Sure enough, when I thought about it later that night, I found things workable, found myself able to stay calm and see clearly what the next step could be. I called Andrea and left a message that night, hoping to discuss some of the issues that had come up and use them as an opportunity to reiterate some points about the need to look at the big picture and approach this organization as a business - and hoping to do it that night, that moment if possible, while I had some clarity and was able to approach it calmly.

I worried vaguely that she wouldn't get back to me soon enough, and I'd have lapsed into a tighter hold on things. I spoke with her tonight, and it was fine - I've kept a pretty good view in general the past couple of days. But isn't it ironic that I ended up feeling a bit as though I needed the universe to send things to me at the right time - a time when I'm feeling up to the task of taking things as they come instead of wanting the universe to send things to me when I want them. Sometimes greater clarity just means seeing how very muddled you are!

***

In the course of writing this entry, I was struck by my use of the phrase "it turns out", as I'd recently read something by Douglas Adams I found rather amusing. I feel the need to share:
"Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression 'it turns out' to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors 'I read somewhere that...' or the craven 'they say that...' because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight." (From "Hangover Cures", The Independent on Sunday, December 1999.)
He is, it turns out, absolutely right - though I personally use the phrase to describe such insubstantial personal views or ridiculously mundane facts that the illusion of ground breaking research is hardly applicable. It also turns out that I've forgotten MLA rules for citing sources and it doesn't matter anyway. That's what two and a half years out of college will do to a person.