Today was a rough day from the moment I woke up, but now I'm going to bed with a real sense of purpose. The fibro was bad - exhausted, hurting, and unfocused - but I kept trying to work with it skillfully. Read a couple articles about dealing with chronic pain mindfully and did my best to take them to heart. And in the afternoon, I let myself do the mindless work of stuffing envelopes while listening to a couple of videos:
1. Steve Jobs on How to live before you die (good recommendation from a friend. http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die.html)
2. A panel discussion at the Wisdom 2.0 conference about Mindfulness in the Modern Workplace (http://www.wisdom2summit.com/Media/single_post/2011-conference-calm-in-the-storm-mindfulness-in-the-modern-work-environment-with-jon-kabat-zinn-rich-fernandez-stuart-crabb-and-michelle-gale)
In the process of reflecting on the challenges of motivating myself at my job, including some other observations I'd made recently, and listening to these two videos, some things clicked. Granted, I'm always refining my sense of what I enjoy doing, what I'd like to work towards, etc. - and this is just one more step. But still, a good one.
First, when I feel so crummy physically, I don't feel like I have a lot of resources to even BE mindful or work with it skillfully. I can't stand to do much more than put my head down on my desk and take a nap. But it seems like if something excites me enough - something that I have a natural interest in and excitement about - it can perk me up a surprising amount. Not a cure all certainly, but just listening to that Wisdom 2.0 video got my head on straight enough to apply myself to some tasks I'd put off all day - too bad it didn't happen till the work day was over. So as much as I find it important to gradually change my attitude about my symptoms, I'm also starting to think it's not totally crazy to think that finding real meaning in my work on a daily basis would help too.
It has become clear that I thrive on ideas. Observing myself since I started my new job, it's obvious that I'm happy and excited when I am coming up with new ideas - and happiest and most excited when I'm sharing them with others - whether that means presenting them (one directional) or brainstorming/exchanging ideas (two directions). In fact, gleaning new information about the work environment (opposite direction) is pretty darn enjoyable as well. I've been focused on how skillful I am at combining big picture and small details, ideation and execution... and that is absolutely true. But I've tried too hard to fit the daily necessities of an existing job into this framework - talking about how I do mundane tasks for my boss with an eye to the bigger picture. Well sure, I do - I'm constantly aware of the bigger picture, and occasionally that helps me catch something important. But let's be honest... I may be good at executive assistant type of work, but it's not really my calling. I don't terribly enjoy those miscellaneous mundane tasks that come with an administrative job. Even the consulting model I was starting to develop for a while emphasized how I could be a sort of one stop shop, admin resource for small business owners... take on bits of things in IT, marketing, all kinds of things. But that's still me trying to fit what I have experience in and what there's demand for into the framework of what I'm REALLY good at and REALLY enjoy. What if I just stuck with those last two things? They say that the key to finding fulfilling work is discovering a job that combines what you're good at, what you enjoy, and what is valued. And I can imagine a million settings in which those things I enjoy and am good at would be valued. Why do I keep trying to refer back to what I have experience with? I suppose it seems like a safer path. But screw safe. As Steve Jobs says in that talk, "stay hungry, stay foolish." I'm probably worse than the average person to the extent that I accomplish very little at all when I'm unmotivated, uninterested, etc. And quite likely better than the average person regarding what I can accomplish when I'm really excited... I think I'd better stop fighting this fundamental detail of my nature and just find a way to spend most of my energy on things that excite me.
I'm working in that direction already. Curriculum planning and teaching is all about ideas - both developing them in the planning process and sharing them in the presentation process. And right now I'm co-planning a 6 week swing dancing class that gets into the particulars of technique, developing two new presentations (on strategic administration and mindfulness in the office) for my admin professionals group, and co-developing a young adult group at the meditation center, complete with weekly curriculum. I'm most excited about this last one, and I honestly think it's because I'm actually exchanging ideas with another person in the planning process rather than sitting alone in my room coming up with ideas. This definitely reinforces the thought that I need to find ways of exchanging and building on the ideas of others, working collaboratively more often, etc.
There are certainly aspects of my current job that involve these skills. I think I'm mostly discouraged because these aspects of my job that I enjoy most aren't going anywhere. People seem to be fine with the idea that I'm dreaming up all kinds of things, but there isn't enough organizational will to make anything happen. And perhaps even most importantly, there's just not that level of feedback and exchange. Ironically though, I have complete control over the CRM project, and as of today I could get started on the actual development... but I'm dragging my feet because my enthusiasm has dribbled away somewhere along the line - and maybe because I would again be working on this somewhat alone. But I could probably get input along the way. Clearly this is something I need to get started on and apply myself to wholeheartedly. Perhaps I will rediscover my enthusiasm.
But I do also think I won't be happy staying there forever. I hope that I can focus on some things I truly enjoy, make a worthwhile contribution, and use it as an opportunity to convince myself that I have enough discipline to eventually work as a freelancer... because honestly, I think that's the direction in which I continue to move. More and more, I'm interested in presenting, writing, consulting, etc. And I have enough of a sense of what I want to share in terms of content, that I doubt there are many/any regular jobs out there doing what I'd want.
If I'm really going to let go of some of the daily administrative details though, I'm going to need to rethink my consulting business model. It might not be too complicated, really... but a matter of selling myself the right way, and having enough determination to present myself as an expert in something that on paper I don't have much experience in. But then again, I am developing that experience in whatever ways I can.
I'm going to start watching more videos while I work. Even mundane tasks become more worthwhile when I'm inspired.
I've also given up any tiny pretense I might have ever had about writing anything well structured in this blog. It's here for my own enjoyment and I'll never write anything if it's a production. Stream of consciousness works just fine for me.
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