How is it that the smallest things can be such important pivot points for us?
I went to Acharya Adam Lobel’s talk Wednesday night because I knew it couldn’t fail to help get me back on track from my increasingly negative and murky state of mind. Worked wonders.
I always love to re-discover the energy of a weekend with a good amount of unplanned time. I used to spend every Friday night cleaning and dancing around the apartment, but last night was the first time I did that in a while. When I'm in the right spot mentally, open weekends have this amazing energy, simplicity, and potential - a chance to appreciate each passing moment as I make progress with things I care about.
So I've argued that maybe meditation isn't so vital for me to understand and integrate the fundamental principles of Shambhala in my life. I've let this thought roll around in my head along with other related ones about the importance of meditation, etc. And I seem to come back to the same conclusion: perhaps I do come at this from a different angle than most, but I suspect a more regular meditation practice would do wonders for me. I have an unusual ability to notice the details of my life and the workings of my own mind, and I can make progress in my understanding by applying that ability. But the challenge for me is keep my mood, my emphasis, my attention on an even keel. The touchstones of meditation, readings, and interaction with others at the center matter as the elements that keep me steady in this progress, keep me inspired. I can see my own mind clearly, and know that I believe in basic goodness and joy - and still feel myself in an anxious muck of a mental mess. There is something about interacting with others who consciously embody these principles, and making a conscious space for its cultivation in my life, that keeps it FEELING real.
I'm still working to get many, many things integrated into my daily routine. Physical therapy stretches, various sorts of exercise, eating more consistently, etc. etc. It's not worth it to me right now to focus too much on meditating daily, because it becomes one more thing on that list and drags away the feeling that it's something I WANT to do. But I can accept that it is something I WILL find a way to incorporate eventually, I can be glad that all of the other things I'm working on do in fact contribute to that larger picture of physical and mental health (and insight, and effectiveness). And I can augment the emphasis on routine with more efforts to inspire myself with positive company. The more time I can spend AT the center, the more I can cultivate relationships with others, and the more I can bring these principles into my interactions with existing relationships in my life, the better.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Lovesick
This is worse than being in love, or having a terrible crush on someone who doesn't know you exist. Here I am, pining away after a company. Oh, IDEO, if only you'd call me. *Sigh*
And on top of it, now I'm longing for ways to get more blues dancing in my life. Went to a great workshop weekend, and feeling blues to call out to me more now even than swing dancing. And yet, very little opportunity for practice and such.
I've done what I can with both these things, so there's no use in thinking about them more. I've submitted my cover letter, my resume, and my website to IDEO. I will call them again tomorrow, and this time when their voicemail kicks in I'll just leave a message. And they probably won't call back, or if they do they'll just say "yes we got your application" on my voicemail. And I've contacted someone about practicing blues dancing with me. It's just that it might be a month or so before we can even try practicing once. I can't afford to go to Austin, Texas for BluesShout, so there's no use in thinking about that anymore.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my whole body was on high alert, thinking about blues dancing and IDEO. I'm not sure how I manage that. Too many waking dreams? How do I manage to daydream so much about a job interview? Seriously... do normal people do that? Walk around living their lives while they imagine what they'd say to this or that question, making up scenarios and opportunities in their head? I seem to manage it rather well myself.
It's wonderful that I've found things that excite me. Why not appreciate that and let go of all the longing? Reminds me of something I read not so long ago... looked it up. From Ruling Your World: "Desire is a creature with an endless appetite. Like a spark put to dry grass, it just consumes. By its very nature, it can never be satisfied, because it is rooted in the aggression of looking outside ourselves for relief. That expectation always results in disappointment, self-generated pain. It's the mind giving itself a hard time." Right. Makes sense. So... I was feeling fairly content, and then finding something I get really into somehow made me more unhappy because I got caught up in desire and expectations and disappointment? Well, we can't be having any of that. I found these things in the first place because I was just settling in and enjoying what was in front of me. It's fundamentally good for me to explore and appreciate them. Just need to have my mind stop giving itself a hard time now.
It's easy to see the power of desire... My daydreams about IDEO (which I've clearly managed to idolize the way one unrealistically idolizes an object of romantic infatuation) can actually be quite enjoyable themselves. It can be hard to let go of grasping desires when the very experience of desiring can be thrilling. But I find myself losing my focus on the life in front of me. There is so much to appreciate and interact with, and I'm letting it slip away the more I long for things like IDEO and blues dancing. Enough so that even realizing this, I can't just snap back to being present, I just find myself still grasping and desiring, wanting to get back to where I was in the moment and somehow still not there. Yes, that's right, I'm grasping at the desire to let go of grasping and desire. In the past I'd just get further twisted up in that - because ultimately, that's always been my largest desire and I've let my head give me a hard time about it so many times over by now. But this times around, there's a certain lovely irony in it. It's amusing. It's human. I will simply do what I can.
And on top of it, now I'm longing for ways to get more blues dancing in my life. Went to a great workshop weekend, and feeling blues to call out to me more now even than swing dancing. And yet, very little opportunity for practice and such.
I've done what I can with both these things, so there's no use in thinking about them more. I've submitted my cover letter, my resume, and my website to IDEO. I will call them again tomorrow, and this time when their voicemail kicks in I'll just leave a message. And they probably won't call back, or if they do they'll just say "yes we got your application" on my voicemail. And I've contacted someone about practicing blues dancing with me. It's just that it might be a month or so before we can even try practicing once. I can't afford to go to Austin, Texas for BluesShout, so there's no use in thinking about that anymore.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my whole body was on high alert, thinking about blues dancing and IDEO. I'm not sure how I manage that. Too many waking dreams? How do I manage to daydream so much about a job interview? Seriously... do normal people do that? Walk around living their lives while they imagine what they'd say to this or that question, making up scenarios and opportunities in their head? I seem to manage it rather well myself.
It's wonderful that I've found things that excite me. Why not appreciate that and let go of all the longing? Reminds me of something I read not so long ago... looked it up. From Ruling Your World: "Desire is a creature with an endless appetite. Like a spark put to dry grass, it just consumes. By its very nature, it can never be satisfied, because it is rooted in the aggression of looking outside ourselves for relief. That expectation always results in disappointment, self-generated pain. It's the mind giving itself a hard time." Right. Makes sense. So... I was feeling fairly content, and then finding something I get really into somehow made me more unhappy because I got caught up in desire and expectations and disappointment? Well, we can't be having any of that. I found these things in the first place because I was just settling in and enjoying what was in front of me. It's fundamentally good for me to explore and appreciate them. Just need to have my mind stop giving itself a hard time now.
It's easy to see the power of desire... My daydreams about IDEO (which I've clearly managed to idolize the way one unrealistically idolizes an object of romantic infatuation) can actually be quite enjoyable themselves. It can be hard to let go of grasping desires when the very experience of desiring can be thrilling. But I find myself losing my focus on the life in front of me. There is so much to appreciate and interact with, and I'm letting it slip away the more I long for things like IDEO and blues dancing. Enough so that even realizing this, I can't just snap back to being present, I just find myself still grasping and desiring, wanting to get back to where I was in the moment and somehow still not there. Yes, that's right, I'm grasping at the desire to let go of grasping and desire. In the past I'd just get further twisted up in that - because ultimately, that's always been my largest desire and I've let my head give me a hard time about it so many times over by now. But this times around, there's a certain lovely irony in it. It's amusing. It's human. I will simply do what I can.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Professional reconsiderations
I'd say that I seem to be entering a new phase in my life, but the fact is that all kinds of things are shifting all the time and "phases" are fairly subjective distinctions about where we identify turning points. At any rate, my interests, professional aspirations, and educational plans are undergoing some interesting shifts.
Professionally, I was thinking for a while about staying at M&I for some time in order to take advantage of tuition reimbursement and get my MBA. I figured it couldn't hurt in general if I got another corporate job, but it would also be an opportunity to put together my business plan and work towards opening my own small business. And yet I came to some realizations a few weeks back:
1. While I still think I would thrive in a small business setting, the actual businesses I've been interested in opening matter less and less to me. The particular businesses I used to care about feel less important, and I want to do something that... matters more? Maybe it's just that my definition of what matters has changed.
2. I'm somewhat disgusted with what I feel I'm contributing to in our department at M&I Bank. I believe the people I work with are basically good people, that our excesses are not really worse than our competitors, etc. but I think we're just another example of an industry gone wrong with no one willing to stand up and make a real change, working in a system that does not allow anyone but those at the top to do so in the first place. I have become better at managing within this system and being patient, and even so my real motivation to contribute is at an all time low. I am no longer willing to stay much longer than is necessary to find something else that will actually feel meaningful to me.
3. I find my interests shifting over time, away from the purely abstract, theoretical mucking around in thoughts for the enjoyment of it, and more towards the concrete, the scientific, the practicalities of living in the world and helping to make it better. And since consciously realizing that, I have found the beginning of some direction for where to put my curiosity and focus. More about that in another post, I'm sure. In a general sense, though, I'm doing more and more reading, listening, exploring - entering more of an active self-education phase.
This was all more fresh and exciting to me a few weeks ago, when I actually started writing portions of this post. Now it's more mundane to me, but I'm glad to see some new opportunities opening up for me. Funny how some days being glad or joyful is more of a mental awareness, and other days I FEEL it. I'm on a strange edge somewhere between right now, trying to totter myself back to something more visceral.
Professionally, I was thinking for a while about staying at M&I for some time in order to take advantage of tuition reimbursement and get my MBA. I figured it couldn't hurt in general if I got another corporate job, but it would also be an opportunity to put together my business plan and work towards opening my own small business. And yet I came to some realizations a few weeks back:
1. While I still think I would thrive in a small business setting, the actual businesses I've been interested in opening matter less and less to me. The particular businesses I used to care about feel less important, and I want to do something that... matters more? Maybe it's just that my definition of what matters has changed.
2. I'm somewhat disgusted with what I feel I'm contributing to in our department at M&I Bank. I believe the people I work with are basically good people, that our excesses are not really worse than our competitors, etc. but I think we're just another example of an industry gone wrong with no one willing to stand up and make a real change, working in a system that does not allow anyone but those at the top to do so in the first place. I have become better at managing within this system and being patient, and even so my real motivation to contribute is at an all time low. I am no longer willing to stay much longer than is necessary to find something else that will actually feel meaningful to me.
3. I find my interests shifting over time, away from the purely abstract, theoretical mucking around in thoughts for the enjoyment of it, and more towards the concrete, the scientific, the practicalities of living in the world and helping to make it better. And since consciously realizing that, I have found the beginning of some direction for where to put my curiosity and focus. More about that in another post, I'm sure. In a general sense, though, I'm doing more and more reading, listening, exploring - entering more of an active self-education phase.
This was all more fresh and exciting to me a few weeks ago, when I actually started writing portions of this post. Now it's more mundane to me, but I'm glad to see some new opportunities opening up for me. Funny how some days being glad or joyful is more of a mental awareness, and other days I FEEL it. I'm on a strange edge somewhere between right now, trying to totter myself back to something more visceral.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Muddy knees aren't so bad
I just walked in the door, dumped all my stuff on the hall floor, and plopped down on the sofa to check who's DJing at the Brew Haus tonight. I was thinking about trying to go dancing for a while, since it's been so long. But the DJ doesn't interest me, and I realized that I'm exhausted and have no real desire to go dancing. So I checked TV Guide online, and determined there's nothing good to watch. I thought about playing a computer game. I thought about folding this pile of laundry. I thought about finishing tidying my apartment. I thought about reading stuff on IDEO's website. I thought about doing some yoga, as I know I badly need exercise right now. I thought about calling someone, because it seems a bit lonely.
Choosing to write this blog entry is probably the most graceful choice I could/would have realistically made, all things considered. It will hopefully help me gather myself, and then I will get up and do something productive with newfound energy. Or if nothing else, at least I'll have written a new blog entry.
It's so obvious to me, that this is the same old, age old problem. I fall into the trap of laziness and comfort... failing to take care of my surroundings when I dump my stuff on the floor... failing to engage directly with my life by seeking outside entertainment... failing to exert myself and do what should be done and will make me feel better long term. I'm not fond of my repeated use of the world failure there - it's more like avoidance. But the point is that it's all recognizable, it's all connected, it's all got really very simple solutions.
But I've always been aware of how connected these challenges are, and how much of our lives revolve around habit. I often wonder whether I've always had deeper awareness of this than most people, or if it's just more true for me. My experience with the Shambhala path seems to suggest that there's some deeper wisdom there, something fairly universal, and perhaps I am just gifted with that amount of awareness without being very disciplined in practices that cultivate it. But I've also long ago learned not to overgeneralize my experiences as being true for other people. And ultimately, does it matter? Does it matter whether I'm just more aware or it's more of an issue for me? All that matters is that I AM aware, it DOES matter for me, and so I should use that awareness to make a difference in my own life.
To reiterate what "it" is - the interconnectedness and importance of habit and physical functioning in my life. I spent one crazy week spending every waking hour outside of work creating a cover letter, resume, and website for an executive assistant position at IDEO, and now I'm totally screwed up. I'm tired, I'm achey, I'm out of practice for doing the 10 different things I'm supposed to do each day for my various doctors, I'm not focused, I'm not motivated, I'm not present. And to get back to something decent, I have to exert myself consistently, carefully, and semi painfully - to heat up my warm milk and get to bed right on time, trying to settle into it in order to fall asleep... to exercise even though my body has NO desire for it... to leave the television off and just wash some dishes in the silence to listen more closely.
It's amazing how fast I can turn from calm, centered, focused, and healthy to tired, negative, semi anxious, scattered. Somehow the transformation doesn't shift the other direction quite so fast. But I'm trying to give this some sincere thought... and I think perhaps it shifts the other way more often and faster than I'm inclined to give it credit for. I've trained myself. The more often I make that choice and switch back, the more I become skilled at doing so and even fall back into it without enormous effort sometimes.
This blog can only be a good thing. While I don't delude myself that anyone's really reading it, I know someone could be. It's technically public. That being the case, I stick to my original rules - I won't just complain to complain. Even if lamenting some difficulty in my life, I will try to use this as a place to reconsider, remotivate myself, and continue to work on living my life as skillfully as possible. And even this time, I seem to have accomplished my goal. Discouraged at how fast I fall into this puddle of interconnected muck, I've reminded myself how good I've gotten at getting out of it. One of the best skills in the world.
I wonder if it's better than the skill of not falling in to start with? I don't have enough experience with the latter to compare. Let's say for the sake of me feeling good about myself that getting up after falling down is a more useful skill than avoiding falling down. You can't avoid it forever, so you might as well get started now on not letting some mud on your knees bother you too much.
Have you noticed my newly discovered joy in bolding sections of text that I consider the main points? I used it on my new website in hopes of getting people to at least scan the relevant points if they won't read the over-long walls of text on my website. And I find that I like it. I think it's the wave of the future for some kinds of writings.
Speaking of which, if anyone is in fact reading this and hasn't seen it already, feel free to take a look at my new website: www.dianaluepke.com. I created it essentially as a supplement to my IDEO application, but hopefully I'll find other uses for it as time goes on.
I'm going to do some yoga, pick my stuff up off the floor, wash a couple dishes, and go to bed with a cup of warm milk now.
Choosing to write this blog entry is probably the most graceful choice I could/would have realistically made, all things considered. It will hopefully help me gather myself, and then I will get up and do something productive with newfound energy. Or if nothing else, at least I'll have written a new blog entry.
It's so obvious to me, that this is the same old, age old problem. I fall into the trap of laziness and comfort... failing to take care of my surroundings when I dump my stuff on the floor... failing to engage directly with my life by seeking outside entertainment... failing to exert myself and do what should be done and will make me feel better long term. I'm not fond of my repeated use of the world failure there - it's more like avoidance. But the point is that it's all recognizable, it's all connected, it's all got really very simple solutions.
But I've always been aware of how connected these challenges are, and how much of our lives revolve around habit. I often wonder whether I've always had deeper awareness of this than most people, or if it's just more true for me. My experience with the Shambhala path seems to suggest that there's some deeper wisdom there, something fairly universal, and perhaps I am just gifted with that amount of awareness without being very disciplined in practices that cultivate it. But I've also long ago learned not to overgeneralize my experiences as being true for other people. And ultimately, does it matter? Does it matter whether I'm just more aware or it's more of an issue for me? All that matters is that I AM aware, it DOES matter for me, and so I should use that awareness to make a difference in my own life.
To reiterate what "it" is - the interconnectedness and importance of habit and physical functioning in my life. I spent one crazy week spending every waking hour outside of work creating a cover letter, resume, and website for an executive assistant position at IDEO, and now I'm totally screwed up. I'm tired, I'm achey, I'm out of practice for doing the 10 different things I'm supposed to do each day for my various doctors, I'm not focused, I'm not motivated, I'm not present. And to get back to something decent, I have to exert myself consistently, carefully, and semi painfully - to heat up my warm milk and get to bed right on time, trying to settle into it in order to fall asleep... to exercise even though my body has NO desire for it... to leave the television off and just wash some dishes in the silence to listen more closely.
It's amazing how fast I can turn from calm, centered, focused, and healthy to tired, negative, semi anxious, scattered. Somehow the transformation doesn't shift the other direction quite so fast. But I'm trying to give this some sincere thought... and I think perhaps it shifts the other way more often and faster than I'm inclined to give it credit for. I've trained myself. The more often I make that choice and switch back, the more I become skilled at doing so and even fall back into it without enormous effort sometimes.
This blog can only be a good thing. While I don't delude myself that anyone's really reading it, I know someone could be. It's technically public. That being the case, I stick to my original rules - I won't just complain to complain. Even if lamenting some difficulty in my life, I will try to use this as a place to reconsider, remotivate myself, and continue to work on living my life as skillfully as possible. And even this time, I seem to have accomplished my goal. Discouraged at how fast I fall into this puddle of interconnected muck, I've reminded myself how good I've gotten at getting out of it. One of the best skills in the world.
I wonder if it's better than the skill of not falling in to start with? I don't have enough experience with the latter to compare. Let's say for the sake of me feeling good about myself that getting up after falling down is a more useful skill than avoiding falling down. You can't avoid it forever, so you might as well get started now on not letting some mud on your knees bother you too much.
Have you noticed my newly discovered joy in bolding sections of text that I consider the main points? I used it on my new website in hopes of getting people to at least scan the relevant points if they won't read the over-long walls of text on my website. And I find that I like it. I think it's the wave of the future for some kinds of writings.
Speaking of which, if anyone is in fact reading this and hasn't seen it already, feel free to take a look at my new website: www.dianaluepke.com. I created it essentially as a supplement to my IDEO application, but hopefully I'll find other uses for it as time goes on.
I'm going to do some yoga, pick my stuff up off the floor, wash a couple dishes, and go to bed with a cup of warm milk now.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The basics
I have come to the conclusion that there are likely not enough hours in the day to do these basic things:
- Be at work for the number of hours I'm required
- Get enough sleep
- Eat properly
- Get enough exercise
- Follow through on specific exercises, homework, and maintenance from various physicians (and much of this isn't just a matter of finding the time, but remembering to follow through on a million different tasks and timelines).
These are the absolute basics... and I'd really like to add meditation, but then it's even more unattainable. But I guess this is what we all face - feeling there aren't enough hours in the day, stressed to find a way to fit it all in. In many ways, I'd very much like to just settle down and enjoy these simple things, use this as a chance to further learn how to appreciate and experience my life as it is. And yet I just reached this point where I'm figuring out what's next and trying to move forward. I want to do career research, organize things, make progress.
But perhaps this is the most important progress to make. I already have a far healthier lifestyle than most, and I continue to make tweaks to improve further. The physical therapy I'm going through now has the potential to address 6 different physical ailments, all of the physical/medical issues I really have. It's discouraging as all hell how many things I have to remember, how weirdly screwed up my body is and what slow progress I will have to make. But I'm laying a pretty strong foundation for a long, healthy life, addressing issues while I'm still young and comparatively pliable. It is something to be grateful for.
I'm amazed at how much of my thought and energy goes into the basics of self care, planning out my days to remember a little better to follow my doctors' orders, to take care of myself as well as possible. A friend recently told me that he thinks I live my life well and it will show more and more over time. Rather a nice compliment... Perhaps this is part of what that means?
- Be at work for the number of hours I'm required
- Get enough sleep
- Eat properly
- Get enough exercise
- Follow through on specific exercises, homework, and maintenance from various physicians (and much of this isn't just a matter of finding the time, but remembering to follow through on a million different tasks and timelines).
These are the absolute basics... and I'd really like to add meditation, but then it's even more unattainable. But I guess this is what we all face - feeling there aren't enough hours in the day, stressed to find a way to fit it all in. In many ways, I'd very much like to just settle down and enjoy these simple things, use this as a chance to further learn how to appreciate and experience my life as it is. And yet I just reached this point where I'm figuring out what's next and trying to move forward. I want to do career research, organize things, make progress.
But perhaps this is the most important progress to make. I already have a far healthier lifestyle than most, and I continue to make tweaks to improve further. The physical therapy I'm going through now has the potential to address 6 different physical ailments, all of the physical/medical issues I really have. It's discouraging as all hell how many things I have to remember, how weirdly screwed up my body is and what slow progress I will have to make. But I'm laying a pretty strong foundation for a long, healthy life, addressing issues while I'm still young and comparatively pliable. It is something to be grateful for.
I'm amazed at how much of my thought and energy goes into the basics of self care, planning out my days to remember a little better to follow my doctors' orders, to take care of myself as well as possible. A friend recently told me that he thinks I live my life well and it will show more and more over time. Rather a nice compliment... Perhaps this is part of what that means?
Monday, January 4, 2010
The elegance of disappointed hopes
Disappointment has felt like a palpable substance in my life lately. I began this post two weeks ago, a couple of days after I resigned from Cream City Swing. I’m finishing it on my birthday, the day after I broke up with Doug (for real, I might add as a qualifier, for those confused and thinking I already did). I could perhaps classify these two things as the two biggest disappointments in my life so far, but that just sounds melodramatic, and doesn’t seem to contain much truth of the really meaningful sort.
Most of my contributions to Cream City Swing, spanning from the concrete to the theoretical, were in the form of things I'd just gotten started on - just barely starting to learn HTML to manage the website, learning Photoshop and starting to get into flyer and other design, putting together guidelines for swing instructors that never got put in anyone's hands, asking questions and learning about sound equipment, learning to listen to a DJ's set closely, countless hours of planning work, thinking about and integrating principles of leadership and conflict management, etc. etc. All of these things were a sort of budding potential. And isn't that what disappointment is all about? Realizing that potential does not always come to fruition, that our dreams are just a shadow of what might actually happen, that we are not in control?
The sense of disappointment I faced for some time seemed to be largely in realizing that I was giving up on something I believed myself eminently capable of accomplishing in a meaningful way. I saw this endeavor as the culmination of all of my unique talents and potential. There was much to learn, but I could see so clearly the path to learning it, and there's nothing I like more than an opportunity to realize lofty dreams/goals through a series of very concrete actions and challenges. Even the time and the circumstances overall seemed to hold so much potential. And so to see such great potential fall flat as the result of just a couple of particular circumstances and people seemed like some kind of cosmic shame.
In some ways, it is a sort of cosmic shame – or rather, an expression of the generalized cosmic shame. I can’t seem to just get mad and say someone screwed this up for me, because I see the larger picture. I see that events unfolded in a certain way due to all kinds of circumstances, individual personalities, etc. and it became a rather unadvantageouos time to try to accomplish what I was aiming for. I generally do find it very hard to feel a real sense of blame towards anyone in life, as there are always so many factors to consider and we are all struggling with the same human experiences of hope and fear. And yet, the fact that there are so many complex moving parts, and so much underlying fear, seems to lead to all kinds of rather unpleasant things in life. And that’s a shame. It’s THE shame, the simple fact of living in this world.
And yet there can be a kind of poignancy in the pain we feel because things in the world don't seem to manifest in an ideal fashion. We feel it because we want the best for ourselves and others, because we have that sort of nobility at our core. And we feel it because we get twisted up thinking we can get there by controlling things that are so much larger than ourselves, because we get lost in those utterly human experiences of hope and fear. That's a pretty simple equation, and I've come to have a great deal of respect for it. Ironically, accepting just how complicated the world is, and how much is beyond my control, it becomes easier to feel at peace and to feel confident in my ability to navigate that complexity gracefully.
In considering the unraveling of my hopes for Cream City Swing, my description of "a cosmic shame" might be seen as true in the sense that it's one small expression of that larger fact that it's a shame things can't be perfect (or closer to it). But secondly, it's also a ridiculous statement to make! Seriously? Is the universe weeping because a Thursday night swing dance venue won't have quite as high quality of swing instruction, or larger events and levels of quality will never be realized? I'm pretty sure it's got bigger problems to worry about. And being part of the universe, perhaps so should I! I find myself laughing at myself for being bent out of shape about this at all.
In addition to the basic value of seeing this humorously, that general turn of thought has also led me to some meaningful contemplation on what I really want to put my life energy into. There are many things on my mind about what paths to take, educationally, professionally, personally. Running a swing dance organization suddenly feels rather unimportant, and I am grateful for the time and energy I suddenly have to invest in other things – perhaps things that will truly mean more to me at the end of the day. This may be the beginning of a significant shift in my life ambitions.
So I prepare to shift directions. I begin to think in new directions, and I clean up what’s left of the old. Most people who know me well know that I don't much like "unfinished business," at least on a superficial level (I like to have my papers filed and the oldest items checked off my to do list.) Yet somehow, laying disappointed hopes to rest is more like tying things up in a neat package than getting elbow deep in the muck ever was. I've been cleaning out my inbox, assembling all of my files for Tory and Andrea to have (whether they use them or not), filing everything away together in case I might ever need it again. There is a sense of finality, complicated things narrowing down to something very simple.
And so, I am grateful. I am grateful for the fact that I did experience this loss mostly as a generalized “oh, what a shame”, rather than grasping for someone or something to blame and wallowing in my own personal desires. (Not to say I didn’t do that a bit. I’m human, after all.) I am grateful for the quick realization that it’s not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I am grateful for the first realizations of what new opportunities might be pursued in my life. I am grateful for the many lessons I did learn during the few months I invested in Cream City Swing. And I am grateful for this particular lesson: looking my disappointment straight in the face, I find that it's simple, lovely, and workable. It is a very real, tangible experience of what it means to be human in the only world we’ve got.
I’m sure these lessons also apply in the loss of a person and a relationship most dear to me. I feel myself working through them even now, and I am glad for that. But this is also a more difficult loss, and I am focused at present with getting through each day in a reasonable way that emphasizes basic self care. And after all, those nice fluffy things I said about disappointment don’t change the other thing that’s true: seeing its beauty doesn’t stop it hurting. In the midst of difficult emotions, I may be able to hold a more realistic view than I used to be, I may say and know that I will feel better later. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less right now. It might make it hurt more.
Most of my contributions to Cream City Swing, spanning from the concrete to the theoretical, were in the form of things I'd just gotten started on - just barely starting to learn HTML to manage the website, learning Photoshop and starting to get into flyer and other design, putting together guidelines for swing instructors that never got put in anyone's hands, asking questions and learning about sound equipment, learning to listen to a DJ's set closely, countless hours of planning work, thinking about and integrating principles of leadership and conflict management, etc. etc. All of these things were a sort of budding potential. And isn't that what disappointment is all about? Realizing that potential does not always come to fruition, that our dreams are just a shadow of what might actually happen, that we are not in control?
The sense of disappointment I faced for some time seemed to be largely in realizing that I was giving up on something I believed myself eminently capable of accomplishing in a meaningful way. I saw this endeavor as the culmination of all of my unique talents and potential. There was much to learn, but I could see so clearly the path to learning it, and there's nothing I like more than an opportunity to realize lofty dreams/goals through a series of very concrete actions and challenges. Even the time and the circumstances overall seemed to hold so much potential. And so to see such great potential fall flat as the result of just a couple of particular circumstances and people seemed like some kind of cosmic shame.
In some ways, it is a sort of cosmic shame – or rather, an expression of the generalized cosmic shame. I can’t seem to just get mad and say someone screwed this up for me, because I see the larger picture. I see that events unfolded in a certain way due to all kinds of circumstances, individual personalities, etc. and it became a rather unadvantageouos time to try to accomplish what I was aiming for. I generally do find it very hard to feel a real sense of blame towards anyone in life, as there are always so many factors to consider and we are all struggling with the same human experiences of hope and fear. And yet, the fact that there are so many complex moving parts, and so much underlying fear, seems to lead to all kinds of rather unpleasant things in life. And that’s a shame. It’s THE shame, the simple fact of living in this world.
And yet there can be a kind of poignancy in the pain we feel because things in the world don't seem to manifest in an ideal fashion. We feel it because we want the best for ourselves and others, because we have that sort of nobility at our core. And we feel it because we get twisted up thinking we can get there by controlling things that are so much larger than ourselves, because we get lost in those utterly human experiences of hope and fear. That's a pretty simple equation, and I've come to have a great deal of respect for it. Ironically, accepting just how complicated the world is, and how much is beyond my control, it becomes easier to feel at peace and to feel confident in my ability to navigate that complexity gracefully.
In considering the unraveling of my hopes for Cream City Swing, my description of "a cosmic shame" might be seen as true in the sense that it's one small expression of that larger fact that it's a shame things can't be perfect (or closer to it). But secondly, it's also a ridiculous statement to make! Seriously? Is the universe weeping because a Thursday night swing dance venue won't have quite as high quality of swing instruction, or larger events and levels of quality will never be realized? I'm pretty sure it's got bigger problems to worry about. And being part of the universe, perhaps so should I! I find myself laughing at myself for being bent out of shape about this at all.
In addition to the basic value of seeing this humorously, that general turn of thought has also led me to some meaningful contemplation on what I really want to put my life energy into. There are many things on my mind about what paths to take, educationally, professionally, personally. Running a swing dance organization suddenly feels rather unimportant, and I am grateful for the time and energy I suddenly have to invest in other things – perhaps things that will truly mean more to me at the end of the day. This may be the beginning of a significant shift in my life ambitions.
So I prepare to shift directions. I begin to think in new directions, and I clean up what’s left of the old. Most people who know me well know that I don't much like "unfinished business," at least on a superficial level (I like to have my papers filed and the oldest items checked off my to do list.) Yet somehow, laying disappointed hopes to rest is more like tying things up in a neat package than getting elbow deep in the muck ever was. I've been cleaning out my inbox, assembling all of my files for Tory and Andrea to have (whether they use them or not), filing everything away together in case I might ever need it again. There is a sense of finality, complicated things narrowing down to something very simple.
And so, I am grateful. I am grateful for the fact that I did experience this loss mostly as a generalized “oh, what a shame”, rather than grasping for someone or something to blame and wallowing in my own personal desires. (Not to say I didn’t do that a bit. I’m human, after all.) I am grateful for the quick realization that it’s not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I am grateful for the first realizations of what new opportunities might be pursued in my life. I am grateful for the many lessons I did learn during the few months I invested in Cream City Swing. And I am grateful for this particular lesson: looking my disappointment straight in the face, I find that it's simple, lovely, and workable. It is a very real, tangible experience of what it means to be human in the only world we’ve got.
I’m sure these lessons also apply in the loss of a person and a relationship most dear to me. I feel myself working through them even now, and I am glad for that. But this is also a more difficult loss, and I am focused at present with getting through each day in a reasonable way that emphasizes basic self care. And after all, those nice fluffy things I said about disappointment don’t change the other thing that’s true: seeing its beauty doesn’t stop it hurting. In the midst of difficult emotions, I may be able to hold a more realistic view than I used to be, I may say and know that I will feel better later. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less right now. It might make it hurt more.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
As it turns out
I have been working on settling into things as they are, wherever and whenever possible. It doesn't seem to be much of a choice if I want to get anywhere, but sometimes it doesn't feel like much of a choice.
I recently finished listening to "The Rules of Victory: How to Transform Chaos and Conflict - Strategies from The Art of War". Tied as it is to the Shambhala tradition, I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise that its advice ultimately boiled down to developing a view that works with things as they are, with no one size fits all concrete answers or plans of action. I was glad when they finally got around to the "strategies," but they were just various ways of verbalizing the same insubstantial theory. Yet I'm grateful for Bill's suggestion of the book - it appears that it helps to have it drilled through your brain that the view IS the strategy. And I have in fact found it to be a truly worthwhile guide for dealing with conflict. It just turns out that all those words and metaphors boiled down to the same old story: relax, pay attention, and exert yourself where it makes sense to do so. (Then chill out a little more even.)
It seems the past couple of days have offered many opportunities to put these principles into action...
I returned to work today after a week off, and immediately encountered not only numerous computer malfunctions but some general shuffling around due to a staff member's departure last week. Tony (the coworker I work most closely with) and I were asked to take a look at a new employee requisition for the new hire, and it seemed clear that this was the opportunity to voice some ideas about how I'd like to see our admin group's positions restructured. It was now or never, and we agreed that I would approach my supervisor about it, putting a good deal of thought into how to best talk to her about it. And yet just before putting the plan into action, the situation shifted - my supervisor's attitude seemed to change, she asked me to finish up my review of the document within the hour because the hiring process needed to move forward immediately, and I could sense that my intended approach would most likely aggravate her.
I remembered a line from The Sun Tzu Art of War: "If it accords with advantage, act. If it does not accord with advantage, stop." I thought of this, and thought it seemed as though the advantage had suddenly dropped away, so perhaps I should simply stop, say nothing. But I tried to set aside my personal grasping desire to have my ideas heard and implemented, and look at the full picture. In terms of general timing, this was an advantageous time to bring up these points, but human interactions have many nuances and are difficult to even TELL what is advantageous, and her mood or approach could make a real difference. Yet at the same time, human interactions have many nuances, and thus perhaps more nuanced possibilities for finessing things and actually molding advantage. I found a way to approach her that focused on deferring to her need to move forward, emphasized an offer of service rather than MY ideas, and allowed her an opportunity to be the one to ask for more information. And within 15 minutes, she decided we were getting at something worthwhile (it seems Tony also ended up bringing up the topic in a more informal way), agreed with our suggestion for taking a different approach to the new hire, and even verbalized the deeper thoughts we had but deemed it unadvantageous to focus on.
It was a bit of one of those "make it seem like their idea" situations - but I've never liked that phrasing, or been able to effect anything that seemed to work that way before. Perhaps it's more a matter of making it easy for people to gracefully accept your idea while claiming some involvement or ownership of it as well. "Making it seem like their idea" seems a bit insulting to the other party, as though they cannot stand to give credit where it is due, and you must manipulate them to get a reasonable outcome. Perhaps sometimes we all have issues with wanting the credit for ourselves, perhaps it's easiest on all of us if someone makes something seem like our idea - but I still prefer a view that gives both parties credit, that involves a real exchange and is simply a matter of approaching other people in a way that is most accessible and non-threatening to them. In this, my first really conscious successful experience of "making it seem like their idea," it seemed to me that it was really all about me getting over myself, letting go of my ideas of power struggles or making my ideas heard or trying to force something to work - and relaxing, paying attention, and deciding my actions based on the actual situation in front of me. And it seems my interactions at work have been improving in this direction in general - so often lately, I'm pleased as punch with how things turn out, even when I totally disagree with the outcome, because I can say "I'm really pleased with myself for how I handled that. This is probably as well as it could have turned out." Maybe there's hope for me attaining social grace yet.
As mom occasionally points out, I can come across as rather intense sometimes. In the end, this mostly just turns people off, and I've been working on wearing down the edges for a long time - though that doesn't mean I intend to lose any of the energy that fuels that edge. What a nice ideal to aim for... the same energy, investment in things, and sincerity, but delivered and experienced through a sense of calmness and stability instead of rocketing all over the place.
Most of my experiences in life, particularly those involving conflict, reflect this issue - both the backlash of that intensity, and the reward of finding a new approach. The battles I fight at work, and their changing composition, reflect it. And my involvement with Cream City Swing - particularly my interaction with my business partners - reflects it. Things have gotten messy on that front... I'm concerned about some legal issues, liability, etc. and today I had a business counselor at SCORE agree with me that I should be very worried about the position I'm in and where I'm going from here, and to consult a lawyer ASAP. I'm moving forward on that and I'm not ultimately all that worried, even though every conversation I've had over the past few days has added to my list of reasons to be concerned. Friday was a very difficult day because I reached a low point in terms of feeling stuck - conversations since then with Catie, Doug and Mom (not to mention SCORE and WEN counselors) have helped to improve my mood because they helped me get a more accurate understanding of my situation and move forward on making decisions.
Talking about things with friends and family has always been a way I've processed things and been able to move forward - but sometimes it's also sometimes how I get further stuck. I'm most pleased with a growing approach: I gave myself a break from the whole thing for most of Saturday, and just focused on clearing and calming my mind. Sure enough, when I thought about it later that night, I found things workable, found myself able to stay calm and see clearly what the next step could be. I called Andrea and left a message that night, hoping to discuss some of the issues that had come up and use them as an opportunity to reiterate some points about the need to look at the big picture and approach this organization as a business - and hoping to do it that night, that moment if possible, while I had some clarity and was able to approach it calmly.
I worried vaguely that she wouldn't get back to me soon enough, and I'd have lapsed into a tighter hold on things. I spoke with her tonight, and it was fine - I've kept a pretty good view in general the past couple of days. But isn't it ironic that I ended up feeling a bit as though I needed the universe to send things to me at the right time - a time when I'm feeling up to the task of taking things as they come instead of wanting the universe to send things to me when I want them. Sometimes greater clarity just means seeing how very muddled you are!
***
In the course of writing this entry, I was struck by my use of the phrase "it turns out", as I'd recently read something by Douglas Adams I found rather amusing. I feel the need to share:
"Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression 'it turns out' to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors 'I read somewhere that...' or the craven 'they say that...' because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight." (From "Hangover Cures", The Independent on Sunday, December 1999.)
He is, it turns out, absolutely right - though I personally use the phrase to describe such insubstantial personal views or ridiculously mundane facts that the illusion of ground breaking research is hardly applicable. It also turns out that I've forgotten MLA rules for citing sources and it doesn't matter anyway. That's what two and a half years out of college will do to a person.
I recently finished listening to "The Rules of Victory: How to Transform Chaos and Conflict - Strategies from The Art of War". Tied as it is to the Shambhala tradition, I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise that its advice ultimately boiled down to developing a view that works with things as they are, with no one size fits all concrete answers or plans of action. I was glad when they finally got around to the "strategies," but they were just various ways of verbalizing the same insubstantial theory. Yet I'm grateful for Bill's suggestion of the book - it appears that it helps to have it drilled through your brain that the view IS the strategy. And I have in fact found it to be a truly worthwhile guide for dealing with conflict. It just turns out that all those words and metaphors boiled down to the same old story: relax, pay attention, and exert yourself where it makes sense to do so. (Then chill out a little more even.)
It seems the past couple of days have offered many opportunities to put these principles into action...
I returned to work today after a week off, and immediately encountered not only numerous computer malfunctions but some general shuffling around due to a staff member's departure last week. Tony (the coworker I work most closely with) and I were asked to take a look at a new employee requisition for the new hire, and it seemed clear that this was the opportunity to voice some ideas about how I'd like to see our admin group's positions restructured. It was now or never, and we agreed that I would approach my supervisor about it, putting a good deal of thought into how to best talk to her about it. And yet just before putting the plan into action, the situation shifted - my supervisor's attitude seemed to change, she asked me to finish up my review of the document within the hour because the hiring process needed to move forward immediately, and I could sense that my intended approach would most likely aggravate her.
I remembered a line from The Sun Tzu Art of War: "If it accords with advantage, act. If it does not accord with advantage, stop." I thought of this, and thought it seemed as though the advantage had suddenly dropped away, so perhaps I should simply stop, say nothing. But I tried to set aside my personal grasping desire to have my ideas heard and implemented, and look at the full picture. In terms of general timing, this was an advantageous time to bring up these points, but human interactions have many nuances and are difficult to even TELL what is advantageous, and her mood or approach could make a real difference. Yet at the same time, human interactions have many nuances, and thus perhaps more nuanced possibilities for finessing things and actually molding advantage. I found a way to approach her that focused on deferring to her need to move forward, emphasized an offer of service rather than MY ideas, and allowed her an opportunity to be the one to ask for more information. And within 15 minutes, she decided we were getting at something worthwhile (it seems Tony also ended up bringing up the topic in a more informal way), agreed with our suggestion for taking a different approach to the new hire, and even verbalized the deeper thoughts we had but deemed it unadvantageous to focus on.
It was a bit of one of those "make it seem like their idea" situations - but I've never liked that phrasing, or been able to effect anything that seemed to work that way before. Perhaps it's more a matter of making it easy for people to gracefully accept your idea while claiming some involvement or ownership of it as well. "Making it seem like their idea" seems a bit insulting to the other party, as though they cannot stand to give credit where it is due, and you must manipulate them to get a reasonable outcome. Perhaps sometimes we all have issues with wanting the credit for ourselves, perhaps it's easiest on all of us if someone makes something seem like our idea - but I still prefer a view that gives both parties credit, that involves a real exchange and is simply a matter of approaching other people in a way that is most accessible and non-threatening to them. In this, my first really conscious successful experience of "making it seem like their idea," it seemed to me that it was really all about me getting over myself, letting go of my ideas of power struggles or making my ideas heard or trying to force something to work - and relaxing, paying attention, and deciding my actions based on the actual situation in front of me. And it seems my interactions at work have been improving in this direction in general - so often lately, I'm pleased as punch with how things turn out, even when I totally disagree with the outcome, because I can say "I'm really pleased with myself for how I handled that. This is probably as well as it could have turned out." Maybe there's hope for me attaining social grace yet.
As mom occasionally points out, I can come across as rather intense sometimes. In the end, this mostly just turns people off, and I've been working on wearing down the edges for a long time - though that doesn't mean I intend to lose any of the energy that fuels that edge. What a nice ideal to aim for... the same energy, investment in things, and sincerity, but delivered and experienced through a sense of calmness and stability instead of rocketing all over the place.
Most of my experiences in life, particularly those involving conflict, reflect this issue - both the backlash of that intensity, and the reward of finding a new approach. The battles I fight at work, and their changing composition, reflect it. And my involvement with Cream City Swing - particularly my interaction with my business partners - reflects it. Things have gotten messy on that front... I'm concerned about some legal issues, liability, etc. and today I had a business counselor at SCORE agree with me that I should be very worried about the position I'm in and where I'm going from here, and to consult a lawyer ASAP. I'm moving forward on that and I'm not ultimately all that worried, even though every conversation I've had over the past few days has added to my list of reasons to be concerned. Friday was a very difficult day because I reached a low point in terms of feeling stuck - conversations since then with Catie, Doug and Mom (not to mention SCORE and WEN counselors) have helped to improve my mood because they helped me get a more accurate understanding of my situation and move forward on making decisions.
Talking about things with friends and family has always been a way I've processed things and been able to move forward - but sometimes it's also sometimes how I get further stuck. I'm most pleased with a growing approach: I gave myself a break from the whole thing for most of Saturday, and just focused on clearing and calming my mind. Sure enough, when I thought about it later that night, I found things workable, found myself able to stay calm and see clearly what the next step could be. I called Andrea and left a message that night, hoping to discuss some of the issues that had come up and use them as an opportunity to reiterate some points about the need to look at the big picture and approach this organization as a business - and hoping to do it that night, that moment if possible, while I had some clarity and was able to approach it calmly.
I worried vaguely that she wouldn't get back to me soon enough, and I'd have lapsed into a tighter hold on things. I spoke with her tonight, and it was fine - I've kept a pretty good view in general the past couple of days. But isn't it ironic that I ended up feeling a bit as though I needed the universe to send things to me at the right time - a time when I'm feeling up to the task of taking things as they come instead of wanting the universe to send things to me when I want them. Sometimes greater clarity just means seeing how very muddled you are!
***
In the course of writing this entry, I was struck by my use of the phrase "it turns out", as I'd recently read something by Douglas Adams I found rather amusing. I feel the need to share:
"Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression 'it turns out' to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors 'I read somewhere that...' or the craven 'they say that...' because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight." (From "Hangover Cures", The Independent on Sunday, December 1999.)
He is, it turns out, absolutely right - though I personally use the phrase to describe such insubstantial personal views or ridiculously mundane facts that the illusion of ground breaking research is hardly applicable. It also turns out that I've forgotten MLA rules for citing sources and it doesn't matter anyway. That's what two and a half years out of college will do to a person.
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