I have come to the conclusion that there are likely not enough hours in the day to do these basic things:
- Be at work for the number of hours I'm required
- Get enough sleep
- Eat properly
- Get enough exercise
- Follow through on specific exercises, homework, and maintenance from various physicians (and much of this isn't just a matter of finding the time, but remembering to follow through on a million different tasks and timelines).
These are the absolute basics... and I'd really like to add meditation, but then it's even more unattainable. But I guess this is what we all face - feeling there aren't enough hours in the day, stressed to find a way to fit it all in. In many ways, I'd very much like to just settle down and enjoy these simple things, use this as a chance to further learn how to appreciate and experience my life as it is. And yet I just reached this point where I'm figuring out what's next and trying to move forward. I want to do career research, organize things, make progress.
But perhaps this is the most important progress to make. I already have a far healthier lifestyle than most, and I continue to make tweaks to improve further. The physical therapy I'm going through now has the potential to address 6 different physical ailments, all of the physical/medical issues I really have. It's discouraging as all hell how many things I have to remember, how weirdly screwed up my body is and what slow progress I will have to make. But I'm laying a pretty strong foundation for a long, healthy life, addressing issues while I'm still young and comparatively pliable. It is something to be grateful for.
I'm amazed at how much of my thought and energy goes into the basics of self care, planning out my days to remember a little better to follow my doctors' orders, to take care of myself as well as possible. A friend recently told me that he thinks I live my life well and it will show more and more over time. Rather a nice compliment... Perhaps this is part of what that means?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
The elegance of disappointed hopes
Disappointment has felt like a palpable substance in my life lately. I began this post two weeks ago, a couple of days after I resigned from Cream City Swing. I’m finishing it on my birthday, the day after I broke up with Doug (for real, I might add as a qualifier, for those confused and thinking I already did). I could perhaps classify these two things as the two biggest disappointments in my life so far, but that just sounds melodramatic, and doesn’t seem to contain much truth of the really meaningful sort.
Most of my contributions to Cream City Swing, spanning from the concrete to the theoretical, were in the form of things I'd just gotten started on - just barely starting to learn HTML to manage the website, learning Photoshop and starting to get into flyer and other design, putting together guidelines for swing instructors that never got put in anyone's hands, asking questions and learning about sound equipment, learning to listen to a DJ's set closely, countless hours of planning work, thinking about and integrating principles of leadership and conflict management, etc. etc. All of these things were a sort of budding potential. And isn't that what disappointment is all about? Realizing that potential does not always come to fruition, that our dreams are just a shadow of what might actually happen, that we are not in control?
The sense of disappointment I faced for some time seemed to be largely in realizing that I was giving up on something I believed myself eminently capable of accomplishing in a meaningful way. I saw this endeavor as the culmination of all of my unique talents and potential. There was much to learn, but I could see so clearly the path to learning it, and there's nothing I like more than an opportunity to realize lofty dreams/goals through a series of very concrete actions and challenges. Even the time and the circumstances overall seemed to hold so much potential. And so to see such great potential fall flat as the result of just a couple of particular circumstances and people seemed like some kind of cosmic shame.
In some ways, it is a sort of cosmic shame – or rather, an expression of the generalized cosmic shame. I can’t seem to just get mad and say someone screwed this up for me, because I see the larger picture. I see that events unfolded in a certain way due to all kinds of circumstances, individual personalities, etc. and it became a rather unadvantageouos time to try to accomplish what I was aiming for. I generally do find it very hard to feel a real sense of blame towards anyone in life, as there are always so many factors to consider and we are all struggling with the same human experiences of hope and fear. And yet, the fact that there are so many complex moving parts, and so much underlying fear, seems to lead to all kinds of rather unpleasant things in life. And that’s a shame. It’s THE shame, the simple fact of living in this world.
And yet there can be a kind of poignancy in the pain we feel because things in the world don't seem to manifest in an ideal fashion. We feel it because we want the best for ourselves and others, because we have that sort of nobility at our core. And we feel it because we get twisted up thinking we can get there by controlling things that are so much larger than ourselves, because we get lost in those utterly human experiences of hope and fear. That's a pretty simple equation, and I've come to have a great deal of respect for it. Ironically, accepting just how complicated the world is, and how much is beyond my control, it becomes easier to feel at peace and to feel confident in my ability to navigate that complexity gracefully.
In considering the unraveling of my hopes for Cream City Swing, my description of "a cosmic shame" might be seen as true in the sense that it's one small expression of that larger fact that it's a shame things can't be perfect (or closer to it). But secondly, it's also a ridiculous statement to make! Seriously? Is the universe weeping because a Thursday night swing dance venue won't have quite as high quality of swing instruction, or larger events and levels of quality will never be realized? I'm pretty sure it's got bigger problems to worry about. And being part of the universe, perhaps so should I! I find myself laughing at myself for being bent out of shape about this at all.
In addition to the basic value of seeing this humorously, that general turn of thought has also led me to some meaningful contemplation on what I really want to put my life energy into. There are many things on my mind about what paths to take, educationally, professionally, personally. Running a swing dance organization suddenly feels rather unimportant, and I am grateful for the time and energy I suddenly have to invest in other things – perhaps things that will truly mean more to me at the end of the day. This may be the beginning of a significant shift in my life ambitions.
So I prepare to shift directions. I begin to think in new directions, and I clean up what’s left of the old. Most people who know me well know that I don't much like "unfinished business," at least on a superficial level (I like to have my papers filed and the oldest items checked off my to do list.) Yet somehow, laying disappointed hopes to rest is more like tying things up in a neat package than getting elbow deep in the muck ever was. I've been cleaning out my inbox, assembling all of my files for Tory and Andrea to have (whether they use them or not), filing everything away together in case I might ever need it again. There is a sense of finality, complicated things narrowing down to something very simple.
And so, I am grateful. I am grateful for the fact that I did experience this loss mostly as a generalized “oh, what a shame”, rather than grasping for someone or something to blame and wallowing in my own personal desires. (Not to say I didn’t do that a bit. I’m human, after all.) I am grateful for the quick realization that it’s not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I am grateful for the first realizations of what new opportunities might be pursued in my life. I am grateful for the many lessons I did learn during the few months I invested in Cream City Swing. And I am grateful for this particular lesson: looking my disappointment straight in the face, I find that it's simple, lovely, and workable. It is a very real, tangible experience of what it means to be human in the only world we’ve got.
I’m sure these lessons also apply in the loss of a person and a relationship most dear to me. I feel myself working through them even now, and I am glad for that. But this is also a more difficult loss, and I am focused at present with getting through each day in a reasonable way that emphasizes basic self care. And after all, those nice fluffy things I said about disappointment don’t change the other thing that’s true: seeing its beauty doesn’t stop it hurting. In the midst of difficult emotions, I may be able to hold a more realistic view than I used to be, I may say and know that I will feel better later. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less right now. It might make it hurt more.
Most of my contributions to Cream City Swing, spanning from the concrete to the theoretical, were in the form of things I'd just gotten started on - just barely starting to learn HTML to manage the website, learning Photoshop and starting to get into flyer and other design, putting together guidelines for swing instructors that never got put in anyone's hands, asking questions and learning about sound equipment, learning to listen to a DJ's set closely, countless hours of planning work, thinking about and integrating principles of leadership and conflict management, etc. etc. All of these things were a sort of budding potential. And isn't that what disappointment is all about? Realizing that potential does not always come to fruition, that our dreams are just a shadow of what might actually happen, that we are not in control?
The sense of disappointment I faced for some time seemed to be largely in realizing that I was giving up on something I believed myself eminently capable of accomplishing in a meaningful way. I saw this endeavor as the culmination of all of my unique talents and potential. There was much to learn, but I could see so clearly the path to learning it, and there's nothing I like more than an opportunity to realize lofty dreams/goals through a series of very concrete actions and challenges. Even the time and the circumstances overall seemed to hold so much potential. And so to see such great potential fall flat as the result of just a couple of particular circumstances and people seemed like some kind of cosmic shame.
In some ways, it is a sort of cosmic shame – or rather, an expression of the generalized cosmic shame. I can’t seem to just get mad and say someone screwed this up for me, because I see the larger picture. I see that events unfolded in a certain way due to all kinds of circumstances, individual personalities, etc. and it became a rather unadvantageouos time to try to accomplish what I was aiming for. I generally do find it very hard to feel a real sense of blame towards anyone in life, as there are always so many factors to consider and we are all struggling with the same human experiences of hope and fear. And yet, the fact that there are so many complex moving parts, and so much underlying fear, seems to lead to all kinds of rather unpleasant things in life. And that’s a shame. It’s THE shame, the simple fact of living in this world.
And yet there can be a kind of poignancy in the pain we feel because things in the world don't seem to manifest in an ideal fashion. We feel it because we want the best for ourselves and others, because we have that sort of nobility at our core. And we feel it because we get twisted up thinking we can get there by controlling things that are so much larger than ourselves, because we get lost in those utterly human experiences of hope and fear. That's a pretty simple equation, and I've come to have a great deal of respect for it. Ironically, accepting just how complicated the world is, and how much is beyond my control, it becomes easier to feel at peace and to feel confident in my ability to navigate that complexity gracefully.
In considering the unraveling of my hopes for Cream City Swing, my description of "a cosmic shame" might be seen as true in the sense that it's one small expression of that larger fact that it's a shame things can't be perfect (or closer to it). But secondly, it's also a ridiculous statement to make! Seriously? Is the universe weeping because a Thursday night swing dance venue won't have quite as high quality of swing instruction, or larger events and levels of quality will never be realized? I'm pretty sure it's got bigger problems to worry about. And being part of the universe, perhaps so should I! I find myself laughing at myself for being bent out of shape about this at all.
In addition to the basic value of seeing this humorously, that general turn of thought has also led me to some meaningful contemplation on what I really want to put my life energy into. There are many things on my mind about what paths to take, educationally, professionally, personally. Running a swing dance organization suddenly feels rather unimportant, and I am grateful for the time and energy I suddenly have to invest in other things – perhaps things that will truly mean more to me at the end of the day. This may be the beginning of a significant shift in my life ambitions.
So I prepare to shift directions. I begin to think in new directions, and I clean up what’s left of the old. Most people who know me well know that I don't much like "unfinished business," at least on a superficial level (I like to have my papers filed and the oldest items checked off my to do list.) Yet somehow, laying disappointed hopes to rest is more like tying things up in a neat package than getting elbow deep in the muck ever was. I've been cleaning out my inbox, assembling all of my files for Tory and Andrea to have (whether they use them or not), filing everything away together in case I might ever need it again. There is a sense of finality, complicated things narrowing down to something very simple.
And so, I am grateful. I am grateful for the fact that I did experience this loss mostly as a generalized “oh, what a shame”, rather than grasping for someone or something to blame and wallowing in my own personal desires. (Not to say I didn’t do that a bit. I’m human, after all.) I am grateful for the quick realization that it’s not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I am grateful for the first realizations of what new opportunities might be pursued in my life. I am grateful for the many lessons I did learn during the few months I invested in Cream City Swing. And I am grateful for this particular lesson: looking my disappointment straight in the face, I find that it's simple, lovely, and workable. It is a very real, tangible experience of what it means to be human in the only world we’ve got.
I’m sure these lessons also apply in the loss of a person and a relationship most dear to me. I feel myself working through them even now, and I am glad for that. But this is also a more difficult loss, and I am focused at present with getting through each day in a reasonable way that emphasizes basic self care. And after all, those nice fluffy things I said about disappointment don’t change the other thing that’s true: seeing its beauty doesn’t stop it hurting. In the midst of difficult emotions, I may be able to hold a more realistic view than I used to be, I may say and know that I will feel better later. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less right now. It might make it hurt more.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
As it turns out
I have been working on settling into things as they are, wherever and whenever possible. It doesn't seem to be much of a choice if I want to get anywhere, but sometimes it doesn't feel like much of a choice.
I recently finished listening to "The Rules of Victory: How to Transform Chaos and Conflict - Strategies from The Art of War". Tied as it is to the Shambhala tradition, I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise that its advice ultimately boiled down to developing a view that works with things as they are, with no one size fits all concrete answers or plans of action. I was glad when they finally got around to the "strategies," but they were just various ways of verbalizing the same insubstantial theory. Yet I'm grateful for Bill's suggestion of the book - it appears that it helps to have it drilled through your brain that the view IS the strategy. And I have in fact found it to be a truly worthwhile guide for dealing with conflict. It just turns out that all those words and metaphors boiled down to the same old story: relax, pay attention, and exert yourself where it makes sense to do so. (Then chill out a little more even.)
It seems the past couple of days have offered many opportunities to put these principles into action...
I returned to work today after a week off, and immediately encountered not only numerous computer malfunctions but some general shuffling around due to a staff member's departure last week. Tony (the coworker I work most closely with) and I were asked to take a look at a new employee requisition for the new hire, and it seemed clear that this was the opportunity to voice some ideas about how I'd like to see our admin group's positions restructured. It was now or never, and we agreed that I would approach my supervisor about it, putting a good deal of thought into how to best talk to her about it. And yet just before putting the plan into action, the situation shifted - my supervisor's attitude seemed to change, she asked me to finish up my review of the document within the hour because the hiring process needed to move forward immediately, and I could sense that my intended approach would most likely aggravate her.
I remembered a line from The Sun Tzu Art of War: "If it accords with advantage, act. If it does not accord with advantage, stop." I thought of this, and thought it seemed as though the advantage had suddenly dropped away, so perhaps I should simply stop, say nothing. But I tried to set aside my personal grasping desire to have my ideas heard and implemented, and look at the full picture. In terms of general timing, this was an advantageous time to bring up these points, but human interactions have many nuances and are difficult to even TELL what is advantageous, and her mood or approach could make a real difference. Yet at the same time, human interactions have many nuances, and thus perhaps more nuanced possibilities for finessing things and actually molding advantage. I found a way to approach her that focused on deferring to her need to move forward, emphasized an offer of service rather than MY ideas, and allowed her an opportunity to be the one to ask for more information. And within 15 minutes, she decided we were getting at something worthwhile (it seems Tony also ended up bringing up the topic in a more informal way), agreed with our suggestion for taking a different approach to the new hire, and even verbalized the deeper thoughts we had but deemed it unadvantageous to focus on.
It was a bit of one of those "make it seem like their idea" situations - but I've never liked that phrasing, or been able to effect anything that seemed to work that way before. Perhaps it's more a matter of making it easy for people to gracefully accept your idea while claiming some involvement or ownership of it as well. "Making it seem like their idea" seems a bit insulting to the other party, as though they cannot stand to give credit where it is due, and you must manipulate them to get a reasonable outcome. Perhaps sometimes we all have issues with wanting the credit for ourselves, perhaps it's easiest on all of us if someone makes something seem like our idea - but I still prefer a view that gives both parties credit, that involves a real exchange and is simply a matter of approaching other people in a way that is most accessible and non-threatening to them. In this, my first really conscious successful experience of "making it seem like their idea," it seemed to me that it was really all about me getting over myself, letting go of my ideas of power struggles or making my ideas heard or trying to force something to work - and relaxing, paying attention, and deciding my actions based on the actual situation in front of me. And it seems my interactions at work have been improving in this direction in general - so often lately, I'm pleased as punch with how things turn out, even when I totally disagree with the outcome, because I can say "I'm really pleased with myself for how I handled that. This is probably as well as it could have turned out." Maybe there's hope for me attaining social grace yet.
As mom occasionally points out, I can come across as rather intense sometimes. In the end, this mostly just turns people off, and I've been working on wearing down the edges for a long time - though that doesn't mean I intend to lose any of the energy that fuels that edge. What a nice ideal to aim for... the same energy, investment in things, and sincerity, but delivered and experienced through a sense of calmness and stability instead of rocketing all over the place.
Most of my experiences in life, particularly those involving conflict, reflect this issue - both the backlash of that intensity, and the reward of finding a new approach. The battles I fight at work, and their changing composition, reflect it. And my involvement with Cream City Swing - particularly my interaction with my business partners - reflects it. Things have gotten messy on that front... I'm concerned about some legal issues, liability, etc. and today I had a business counselor at SCORE agree with me that I should be very worried about the position I'm in and where I'm going from here, and to consult a lawyer ASAP. I'm moving forward on that and I'm not ultimately all that worried, even though every conversation I've had over the past few days has added to my list of reasons to be concerned. Friday was a very difficult day because I reached a low point in terms of feeling stuck - conversations since then with Catie, Doug and Mom (not to mention SCORE and WEN counselors) have helped to improve my mood because they helped me get a more accurate understanding of my situation and move forward on making decisions.
Talking about things with friends and family has always been a way I've processed things and been able to move forward - but sometimes it's also sometimes how I get further stuck. I'm most pleased with a growing approach: I gave myself a break from the whole thing for most of Saturday, and just focused on clearing and calming my mind. Sure enough, when I thought about it later that night, I found things workable, found myself able to stay calm and see clearly what the next step could be. I called Andrea and left a message that night, hoping to discuss some of the issues that had come up and use them as an opportunity to reiterate some points about the need to look at the big picture and approach this organization as a business - and hoping to do it that night, that moment if possible, while I had some clarity and was able to approach it calmly.
I worried vaguely that she wouldn't get back to me soon enough, and I'd have lapsed into a tighter hold on things. I spoke with her tonight, and it was fine - I've kept a pretty good view in general the past couple of days. But isn't it ironic that I ended up feeling a bit as though I needed the universe to send things to me at the right time - a time when I'm feeling up to the task of taking things as they come instead of wanting the universe to send things to me when I want them. Sometimes greater clarity just means seeing how very muddled you are!
***
In the course of writing this entry, I was struck by my use of the phrase "it turns out", as I'd recently read something by Douglas Adams I found rather amusing. I feel the need to share:
"Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression 'it turns out' to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors 'I read somewhere that...' or the craven 'they say that...' because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight." (From "Hangover Cures", The Independent on Sunday, December 1999.)
He is, it turns out, absolutely right - though I personally use the phrase to describe such insubstantial personal views or ridiculously mundane facts that the illusion of ground breaking research is hardly applicable. It also turns out that I've forgotten MLA rules for citing sources and it doesn't matter anyway. That's what two and a half years out of college will do to a person.
I recently finished listening to "The Rules of Victory: How to Transform Chaos and Conflict - Strategies from The Art of War". Tied as it is to the Shambhala tradition, I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise that its advice ultimately boiled down to developing a view that works with things as they are, with no one size fits all concrete answers or plans of action. I was glad when they finally got around to the "strategies," but they were just various ways of verbalizing the same insubstantial theory. Yet I'm grateful for Bill's suggestion of the book - it appears that it helps to have it drilled through your brain that the view IS the strategy. And I have in fact found it to be a truly worthwhile guide for dealing with conflict. It just turns out that all those words and metaphors boiled down to the same old story: relax, pay attention, and exert yourself where it makes sense to do so. (Then chill out a little more even.)
It seems the past couple of days have offered many opportunities to put these principles into action...
I returned to work today after a week off, and immediately encountered not only numerous computer malfunctions but some general shuffling around due to a staff member's departure last week. Tony (the coworker I work most closely with) and I were asked to take a look at a new employee requisition for the new hire, and it seemed clear that this was the opportunity to voice some ideas about how I'd like to see our admin group's positions restructured. It was now or never, and we agreed that I would approach my supervisor about it, putting a good deal of thought into how to best talk to her about it. And yet just before putting the plan into action, the situation shifted - my supervisor's attitude seemed to change, she asked me to finish up my review of the document within the hour because the hiring process needed to move forward immediately, and I could sense that my intended approach would most likely aggravate her.
I remembered a line from The Sun Tzu Art of War: "If it accords with advantage, act. If it does not accord with advantage, stop." I thought of this, and thought it seemed as though the advantage had suddenly dropped away, so perhaps I should simply stop, say nothing. But I tried to set aside my personal grasping desire to have my ideas heard and implemented, and look at the full picture. In terms of general timing, this was an advantageous time to bring up these points, but human interactions have many nuances and are difficult to even TELL what is advantageous, and her mood or approach could make a real difference. Yet at the same time, human interactions have many nuances, and thus perhaps more nuanced possibilities for finessing things and actually molding advantage. I found a way to approach her that focused on deferring to her need to move forward, emphasized an offer of service rather than MY ideas, and allowed her an opportunity to be the one to ask for more information. And within 15 minutes, she decided we were getting at something worthwhile (it seems Tony also ended up bringing up the topic in a more informal way), agreed with our suggestion for taking a different approach to the new hire, and even verbalized the deeper thoughts we had but deemed it unadvantageous to focus on.
It was a bit of one of those "make it seem like their idea" situations - but I've never liked that phrasing, or been able to effect anything that seemed to work that way before. Perhaps it's more a matter of making it easy for people to gracefully accept your idea while claiming some involvement or ownership of it as well. "Making it seem like their idea" seems a bit insulting to the other party, as though they cannot stand to give credit where it is due, and you must manipulate them to get a reasonable outcome. Perhaps sometimes we all have issues with wanting the credit for ourselves, perhaps it's easiest on all of us if someone makes something seem like our idea - but I still prefer a view that gives both parties credit, that involves a real exchange and is simply a matter of approaching other people in a way that is most accessible and non-threatening to them. In this, my first really conscious successful experience of "making it seem like their idea," it seemed to me that it was really all about me getting over myself, letting go of my ideas of power struggles or making my ideas heard or trying to force something to work - and relaxing, paying attention, and deciding my actions based on the actual situation in front of me. And it seems my interactions at work have been improving in this direction in general - so often lately, I'm pleased as punch with how things turn out, even when I totally disagree with the outcome, because I can say "I'm really pleased with myself for how I handled that. This is probably as well as it could have turned out." Maybe there's hope for me attaining social grace yet.
As mom occasionally points out, I can come across as rather intense sometimes. In the end, this mostly just turns people off, and I've been working on wearing down the edges for a long time - though that doesn't mean I intend to lose any of the energy that fuels that edge. What a nice ideal to aim for... the same energy, investment in things, and sincerity, but delivered and experienced through a sense of calmness and stability instead of rocketing all over the place.
Most of my experiences in life, particularly those involving conflict, reflect this issue - both the backlash of that intensity, and the reward of finding a new approach. The battles I fight at work, and their changing composition, reflect it. And my involvement with Cream City Swing - particularly my interaction with my business partners - reflects it. Things have gotten messy on that front... I'm concerned about some legal issues, liability, etc. and today I had a business counselor at SCORE agree with me that I should be very worried about the position I'm in and where I'm going from here, and to consult a lawyer ASAP. I'm moving forward on that and I'm not ultimately all that worried, even though every conversation I've had over the past few days has added to my list of reasons to be concerned. Friday was a very difficult day because I reached a low point in terms of feeling stuck - conversations since then with Catie, Doug and Mom (not to mention SCORE and WEN counselors) have helped to improve my mood because they helped me get a more accurate understanding of my situation and move forward on making decisions.
Talking about things with friends and family has always been a way I've processed things and been able to move forward - but sometimes it's also sometimes how I get further stuck. I'm most pleased with a growing approach: I gave myself a break from the whole thing for most of Saturday, and just focused on clearing and calming my mind. Sure enough, when I thought about it later that night, I found things workable, found myself able to stay calm and see clearly what the next step could be. I called Andrea and left a message that night, hoping to discuss some of the issues that had come up and use them as an opportunity to reiterate some points about the need to look at the big picture and approach this organization as a business - and hoping to do it that night, that moment if possible, while I had some clarity and was able to approach it calmly.
I worried vaguely that she wouldn't get back to me soon enough, and I'd have lapsed into a tighter hold on things. I spoke with her tonight, and it was fine - I've kept a pretty good view in general the past couple of days. But isn't it ironic that I ended up feeling a bit as though I needed the universe to send things to me at the right time - a time when I'm feeling up to the task of taking things as they come instead of wanting the universe to send things to me when I want them. Sometimes greater clarity just means seeing how very muddled you are!
***
In the course of writing this entry, I was struck by my use of the phrase "it turns out", as I'd recently read something by Douglas Adams I found rather amusing. I feel the need to share:
"Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression 'it turns out' to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors 'I read somewhere that...' or the craven 'they say that...' because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight." (From "Hangover Cures", The Independent on Sunday, December 1999.)
He is, it turns out, absolutely right - though I personally use the phrase to describe such insubstantial personal views or ridiculously mundane facts that the illusion of ground breaking research is hardly applicable. It also turns out that I've forgotten MLA rules for citing sources and it doesn't matter anyway. That's what two and a half years out of college will do to a person.
12:42pm on a Saturday
It’s been a while, but it’s a familiar feeling. Coming home from Shambhala Center on a Saturday afternoon, leaving the stereo off, and settling into the most mundane of tasks. There is something about choosing to be silent, choosing not to listen to music or engage in other minor distractions, that I find... sharp? purifying? strangely difficult? Words elude me, but that's largely the point.
Each keystroke on my laptop stands out as a significant sound, filling up the space around me, and each associated movement of a finger becomes intensely intentional. As each moment ticks past, I have to decide over and over again not to turn the radio on, not to turn on a video game, not to at least ramp myself up to a state of frenzied productivity. But eventually it dulls, whether because I intentionally give in to distraction or just settle into things enough that they cease to be so sharp and the distraction comes upon me unaware. Either way, it can't last forever.
Writing a blog post probably won't prolong it any. Then again, it might. My goal in starting a blog is not only to acquaint myself with this form of communication, and to offer friends and family a look at what's on my mind if they're so motivated to seek it out, but to cultivate a space for mindful reflection. I think we all know that I'm plenty good at reflecting, analyzing, even over-thinking. But I'm learning to put these skills to good use in a more relaxed, productive kind of way. I hope that making something technically "public", even if I ask that no one share this link, will remind me to keep a somewhat more meaningful or productive view. Hopefully no complaining or venting for the sake of it, no obsessing or clinging to how I'd like things to be, or trying to force them in that direction. Perhaps just a chance to reflect on that which is, and question what it means to live skillfully. Perhaps. I can't make any promises. :)
Each keystroke on my laptop stands out as a significant sound, filling up the space around me, and each associated movement of a finger becomes intensely intentional. As each moment ticks past, I have to decide over and over again not to turn the radio on, not to turn on a video game, not to at least ramp myself up to a state of frenzied productivity. But eventually it dulls, whether because I intentionally give in to distraction or just settle into things enough that they cease to be so sharp and the distraction comes upon me unaware. Either way, it can't last forever.
Writing a blog post probably won't prolong it any. Then again, it might. My goal in starting a blog is not only to acquaint myself with this form of communication, and to offer friends and family a look at what's on my mind if they're so motivated to seek it out, but to cultivate a space for mindful reflection. I think we all know that I'm plenty good at reflecting, analyzing, even over-thinking. But I'm learning to put these skills to good use in a more relaxed, productive kind of way. I hope that making something technically "public", even if I ask that no one share this link, will remind me to keep a somewhat more meaningful or productive view. Hopefully no complaining or venting for the sake of it, no obsessing or clinging to how I'd like things to be, or trying to force them in that direction. Perhaps just a chance to reflect on that which is, and question what it means to live skillfully. Perhaps. I can't make any promises. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)