I've gotten pretty darn good at this whole gentleness with yourself thing. Suddenly I'm realizing that there's just a whole layer of self doubt and self harassment and self deprecation that just isn't happening for me. I've gotten really good at accepting things as they are, including my own thoughts and emotions (comparatively, of course - we all always have a long ways to go). And there's just been this vague feeling of, "okay, now what?"
At last night's Contentment in Everyday Life class, three qualities of contentment were discussed: gentleness, nowness and inquisitiveness. And I realized that sure, I've got the gentleness thing covered far better than any other point in my life. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm settled into the present moment and fully engaged, inquisitive, alert. So that's my emphasis now... within that feeling of acceptance and gentleness, how do I continually perk myself up, see what's around me, and find that sense of inquisitiveness.
This morning I not only did my physical therapy exercises, but managed to do the sitting meditation and contemplation as assigned in class as well. As part of my gentleness program I've accepted that daily meditation practice just isn't a priority for me right now because I need to put my disciplined energies into other things, but the benefits I experienced from practicing this single day remind me why it's still a goal... and make me think maybe it's time to start re-prioritizing it even if I do have more than ever to put my attention on. It's not just one more thing to fit into the day... it's the foundation for everything else. But I think I'm finding that I don't need to decide, okay, now I'm going to start doing this every day. I can just notice the benefits and the fact that I was glad to do it, and look to see opportunities each day where I can integrate it more.
I think perhaps the contemplation exercises seem more immediately helpful to me than shamatha meditation, which makes sense given the way I have generally internalized these teachings more by understanding and practicing the techniques in my daily life than by meditating and then bringing that out into the world. But they also make the meditation feel more meaningful as well, turn it into a sort of support for the contemplation.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tweets
It's lovely outside. I drove home with the windows down. Now I'm watching the sun set through my kitchen window, which is cracked to enjoy the fresh air and the birdsong. There is something so fresh and real about this simple experience.
My RSS feeds are already eating me alive, and I haven't even had them set up for a week. Having chosen to engage more actively, stay on top of various blogs and other emerging sources of information/exchange regarding design thinking and related concepts (and I seem to be relating everything these days), I am indeed already overwhelmed by the quantity of information and discussion out here on the internet. I had previously avoided maladies like an addiction to facebook, but having a more compelling reason to engage with with the digital, socially networked world seems to have pulled me into the vortex.
It's interested to come up for breath for a moment, look around and realize how compelling this physical world in front of me is. I'm lost online and in my head because I'm excited about engaging with the world, but I must remember that's why I'm there in the first place. I do have a lot of catching up to do, much to read and write and think about. But there's no point in any of it if it's not grounded in the direct experience of life. I look forward to finding a healthy balance in these things.
So, to my nonexistent readers, feel free to follow me on my new twitter page @dianaluepke - I do my best to tweet worthwhile things (links I find truly worth sharing, etc.), only about once a day. But I can't pretend to even begin to be as compelling as the tweeting coming from outside my window. (Oh, I know, it's a horrible and horribly obvious pun/trope, but I had to do it. I like bad puns, and I'm usually not quick enough to even notice the obvious ones, so I'm usually stuck laughing at those delivered by other people.)
My RSS feeds are already eating me alive, and I haven't even had them set up for a week. Having chosen to engage more actively, stay on top of various blogs and other emerging sources of information/exchange regarding design thinking and related concepts (and I seem to be relating everything these days), I am indeed already overwhelmed by the quantity of information and discussion out here on the internet. I had previously avoided maladies like an addiction to facebook, but having a more compelling reason to engage with with the digital, socially networked world seems to have pulled me into the vortex.
It's interested to come up for breath for a moment, look around and realize how compelling this physical world in front of me is. I'm lost online and in my head because I'm excited about engaging with the world, but I must remember that's why I'm there in the first place. I do have a lot of catching up to do, much to read and write and think about. But there's no point in any of it if it's not grounded in the direct experience of life. I look forward to finding a healthy balance in these things.
So, to my nonexistent readers, feel free to follow me on my new twitter page @dianaluepke - I do my best to tweet worthwhile things (links I find truly worth sharing, etc.), only about once a day. But I can't pretend to even begin to be as compelling as the tweeting coming from outside my window. (Oh, I know, it's a horrible and horribly obvious pun/trope, but I had to do it. I like bad puns, and I'm usually not quick enough to even notice the obvious ones, so I'm usually stuck laughing at those delivered by other people.)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
This is pretty great.
Being sick is no fun. The worst part of it the past few days has been difficulty getting good sleep. It's almost as though I'm not truly sick until I happen to be in a horizontal position. And then my body remembers, oh yeah, I'm sick, none of this sleeping business.
But even now, faced with the prospect of an early morning tomorrow, tired, and yet unable to sleep... I'm very clear on the fact that in certain fundamental ways, I am the happiest I've ever been.
Some things have settled. I feel ever more confident in my ability to navigate the natural ups and down of my life and my own thoughts and emotions. Some things are just... quieter.
And some things have woken up. I have entered a period of voracious curiosity, where there simply is not enough time in the day to read all of the news articles, blog posts, and nonfiction books on my ever-expanding list, not enough time to capture all the thoughts and questions and comments flowering out in response to what I come in contact with. I'm more connected to the world. For the first time in my life, I'm consistently on top of current events, I have some sense of awareness of my place in the larger world and within history. And part of that awareness is a new intensity of focus on how I want to contribute, what particular areas I'm curious about truly understanding.
I used to avoid dealing with politics and other worldly topics in part because I got frustrated with the ways in which everyone seemed to oversimplify these topics. There didn't even seem to be a basic mode of discussing politics that got at the heart of things, that sought real solutions that embraced all the complex pieces instead of just oversimplifying and pointing fingers. I felt like it would take more energy than I had to even be truly educated on one topic, so in some sense, why bother. But I also knew this would change, I also felt that I was trying to get my own house in order and that one day I would be more responsible in connecting with the world around me.
So perhaps that day has come? And it makes sense. In many ways, my own house IS in order in ways it hasn't been in the past. There are certain sorts of stability, confidence, and clarity that were not always there.
But I also think it is a matter of external circumstance. My discovery of design thinking really blew me away in terms of realizing there are others out there wanting to engage in the sort of way I have always longed for. There are other people actively advocating that we deal with complexity and real human needs in the business world. And in finding what amounts to a sort of community, I suddenly realize how lonely I must have felt all this time.
This just now occurred to me as I'm writing. And it seems right. In a way, I have always been rather lonely on an intellectual level. It can't have been so bad if I did not identify it as such at the time. But looking back now, it seems rather as though I was able to get excited about pieces of things along the way, but felt on some level like they didn't truly belong to a larger puzzle. All of the things I have cared about on a professional or outward goals sort of level are things that still matter to me, but now I see them as smaller aspects of this larger picture, and I see that there are others who are working to engage with that entire picture. In fact, I see that sort of thinking infiltrating the business world at large. And with that reassurance I suddenly seem to have the confidence to forge ahead and make my own connections too.
But even now, faced with the prospect of an early morning tomorrow, tired, and yet unable to sleep... I'm very clear on the fact that in certain fundamental ways, I am the happiest I've ever been.
Some things have settled. I feel ever more confident in my ability to navigate the natural ups and down of my life and my own thoughts and emotions. Some things are just... quieter.
And some things have woken up. I have entered a period of voracious curiosity, where there simply is not enough time in the day to read all of the news articles, blog posts, and nonfiction books on my ever-expanding list, not enough time to capture all the thoughts and questions and comments flowering out in response to what I come in contact with. I'm more connected to the world. For the first time in my life, I'm consistently on top of current events, I have some sense of awareness of my place in the larger world and within history. And part of that awareness is a new intensity of focus on how I want to contribute, what particular areas I'm curious about truly understanding.
I used to avoid dealing with politics and other worldly topics in part because I got frustrated with the ways in which everyone seemed to oversimplify these topics. There didn't even seem to be a basic mode of discussing politics that got at the heart of things, that sought real solutions that embraced all the complex pieces instead of just oversimplifying and pointing fingers. I felt like it would take more energy than I had to even be truly educated on one topic, so in some sense, why bother. But I also knew this would change, I also felt that I was trying to get my own house in order and that one day I would be more responsible in connecting with the world around me.
So perhaps that day has come? And it makes sense. In many ways, my own house IS in order in ways it hasn't been in the past. There are certain sorts of stability, confidence, and clarity that were not always there.
But I also think it is a matter of external circumstance. My discovery of design thinking really blew me away in terms of realizing there are others out there wanting to engage in the sort of way I have always longed for. There are other people actively advocating that we deal with complexity and real human needs in the business world. And in finding what amounts to a sort of community, I suddenly realize how lonely I must have felt all this time.
This just now occurred to me as I'm writing. And it seems right. In a way, I have always been rather lonely on an intellectual level. It can't have been so bad if I did not identify it as such at the time. But looking back now, it seems rather as though I was able to get excited about pieces of things along the way, but felt on some level like they didn't truly belong to a larger puzzle. All of the things I have cared about on a professional or outward goals sort of level are things that still matter to me, but now I see them as smaller aspects of this larger picture, and I see that there are others who are working to engage with that entire picture. In fact, I see that sort of thinking infiltrating the business world at large. And with that reassurance I suddenly seem to have the confidence to forge ahead and make my own connections too.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Convergence
I just got back from a dinner with Acharya Richard John at the Shambhala Center. More than anything, it was like a little peak into the much larger world that is the shambhala community, all of the levels of training and seminary and retreat and ways to be involved, the "secular" shambhala path and the buddhist stuff, the international structure of the organization, etc. etc. And I just think, wow, there are people out there patiently and diligently laying the foundation for an enlightened society.
The Acharya referred to a process of "prototyping" an enlightened society, and it reminded me so much of the discussion of prototyping in design thinking.
I feel at peace. I have discovered communities of people who are working to create something of great meaning and effectiveness in the world, in a way that fits for me. The movement of design thinking, and the shambhala community - they seem to complement each other so extremely well, one constantly reminding me of the other. It's like one started from the religious/spiritual practice and brought it outward with a strong focus on action in the world... and the other started with principles we already have about organizations and acting in the world, and newly infused it with those sorts of deeper meaning. Coming from seemingly very different places, they are converging on the same wisdom.
The Acharya referred to a process of "prototyping" an enlightened society, and it reminded me so much of the discussion of prototyping in design thinking.
I feel at peace. I have discovered communities of people who are working to create something of great meaning and effectiveness in the world, in a way that fits for me. The movement of design thinking, and the shambhala community - they seem to complement each other so extremely well, one constantly reminding me of the other. It's like one started from the religious/spiritual practice and brought it outward with a strong focus on action in the world... and the other started with principles we already have about organizations and acting in the world, and newly infused it with those sorts of deeper meaning. Coming from seemingly very different places, they are converging on the same wisdom.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The inspiration of good company
How is it that the smallest things can be such important pivot points for us?
I went to Acharya Adam Lobel’s talk Wednesday night because I knew it couldn’t fail to help get me back on track from my increasingly negative and murky state of mind. Worked wonders.
I always love to re-discover the energy of a weekend with a good amount of unplanned time. I used to spend every Friday night cleaning and dancing around the apartment, but last night was the first time I did that in a while. When I'm in the right spot mentally, open weekends have this amazing energy, simplicity, and potential - a chance to appreciate each passing moment as I make progress with things I care about.
So I've argued that maybe meditation isn't so vital for me to understand and integrate the fundamental principles of Shambhala in my life. I've let this thought roll around in my head along with other related ones about the importance of meditation, etc. And I seem to come back to the same conclusion: perhaps I do come at this from a different angle than most, but I suspect a more regular meditation practice would do wonders for me. I have an unusual ability to notice the details of my life and the workings of my own mind, and I can make progress in my understanding by applying that ability. But the challenge for me is keep my mood, my emphasis, my attention on an even keel. The touchstones of meditation, readings, and interaction with others at the center matter as the elements that keep me steady in this progress, keep me inspired. I can see my own mind clearly, and know that I believe in basic goodness and joy - and still feel myself in an anxious muck of a mental mess. There is something about interacting with others who consciously embody these principles, and making a conscious space for its cultivation in my life, that keeps it FEELING real.
I'm still working to get many, many things integrated into my daily routine. Physical therapy stretches, various sorts of exercise, eating more consistently, etc. etc. It's not worth it to me right now to focus too much on meditating daily, because it becomes one more thing on that list and drags away the feeling that it's something I WANT to do. But I can accept that it is something I WILL find a way to incorporate eventually, I can be glad that all of the other things I'm working on do in fact contribute to that larger picture of physical and mental health (and insight, and effectiveness). And I can augment the emphasis on routine with more efforts to inspire myself with positive company. The more time I can spend AT the center, the more I can cultivate relationships with others, and the more I can bring these principles into my interactions with existing relationships in my life, the better.
I went to Acharya Adam Lobel’s talk Wednesday night because I knew it couldn’t fail to help get me back on track from my increasingly negative and murky state of mind. Worked wonders.
I always love to re-discover the energy of a weekend with a good amount of unplanned time. I used to spend every Friday night cleaning and dancing around the apartment, but last night was the first time I did that in a while. When I'm in the right spot mentally, open weekends have this amazing energy, simplicity, and potential - a chance to appreciate each passing moment as I make progress with things I care about.
So I've argued that maybe meditation isn't so vital for me to understand and integrate the fundamental principles of Shambhala in my life. I've let this thought roll around in my head along with other related ones about the importance of meditation, etc. And I seem to come back to the same conclusion: perhaps I do come at this from a different angle than most, but I suspect a more regular meditation practice would do wonders for me. I have an unusual ability to notice the details of my life and the workings of my own mind, and I can make progress in my understanding by applying that ability. But the challenge for me is keep my mood, my emphasis, my attention on an even keel. The touchstones of meditation, readings, and interaction with others at the center matter as the elements that keep me steady in this progress, keep me inspired. I can see my own mind clearly, and know that I believe in basic goodness and joy - and still feel myself in an anxious muck of a mental mess. There is something about interacting with others who consciously embody these principles, and making a conscious space for its cultivation in my life, that keeps it FEELING real.
I'm still working to get many, many things integrated into my daily routine. Physical therapy stretches, various sorts of exercise, eating more consistently, etc. etc. It's not worth it to me right now to focus too much on meditating daily, because it becomes one more thing on that list and drags away the feeling that it's something I WANT to do. But I can accept that it is something I WILL find a way to incorporate eventually, I can be glad that all of the other things I'm working on do in fact contribute to that larger picture of physical and mental health (and insight, and effectiveness). And I can augment the emphasis on routine with more efforts to inspire myself with positive company. The more time I can spend AT the center, the more I can cultivate relationships with others, and the more I can bring these principles into my interactions with existing relationships in my life, the better.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Lovesick
This is worse than being in love, or having a terrible crush on someone who doesn't know you exist. Here I am, pining away after a company. Oh, IDEO, if only you'd call me. *Sigh*
And on top of it, now I'm longing for ways to get more blues dancing in my life. Went to a great workshop weekend, and feeling blues to call out to me more now even than swing dancing. And yet, very little opportunity for practice and such.
I've done what I can with both these things, so there's no use in thinking about them more. I've submitted my cover letter, my resume, and my website to IDEO. I will call them again tomorrow, and this time when their voicemail kicks in I'll just leave a message. And they probably won't call back, or if they do they'll just say "yes we got your application" on my voicemail. And I've contacted someone about practicing blues dancing with me. It's just that it might be a month or so before we can even try practicing once. I can't afford to go to Austin, Texas for BluesShout, so there's no use in thinking about that anymore.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my whole body was on high alert, thinking about blues dancing and IDEO. I'm not sure how I manage that. Too many waking dreams? How do I manage to daydream so much about a job interview? Seriously... do normal people do that? Walk around living their lives while they imagine what they'd say to this or that question, making up scenarios and opportunities in their head? I seem to manage it rather well myself.
It's wonderful that I've found things that excite me. Why not appreciate that and let go of all the longing? Reminds me of something I read not so long ago... looked it up. From Ruling Your World: "Desire is a creature with an endless appetite. Like a spark put to dry grass, it just consumes. By its very nature, it can never be satisfied, because it is rooted in the aggression of looking outside ourselves for relief. That expectation always results in disappointment, self-generated pain. It's the mind giving itself a hard time." Right. Makes sense. So... I was feeling fairly content, and then finding something I get really into somehow made me more unhappy because I got caught up in desire and expectations and disappointment? Well, we can't be having any of that. I found these things in the first place because I was just settling in and enjoying what was in front of me. It's fundamentally good for me to explore and appreciate them. Just need to have my mind stop giving itself a hard time now.
It's easy to see the power of desire... My daydreams about IDEO (which I've clearly managed to idolize the way one unrealistically idolizes an object of romantic infatuation) can actually be quite enjoyable themselves. It can be hard to let go of grasping desires when the very experience of desiring can be thrilling. But I find myself losing my focus on the life in front of me. There is so much to appreciate and interact with, and I'm letting it slip away the more I long for things like IDEO and blues dancing. Enough so that even realizing this, I can't just snap back to being present, I just find myself still grasping and desiring, wanting to get back to where I was in the moment and somehow still not there. Yes, that's right, I'm grasping at the desire to let go of grasping and desire. In the past I'd just get further twisted up in that - because ultimately, that's always been my largest desire and I've let my head give me a hard time about it so many times over by now. But this times around, there's a certain lovely irony in it. It's amusing. It's human. I will simply do what I can.
And on top of it, now I'm longing for ways to get more blues dancing in my life. Went to a great workshop weekend, and feeling blues to call out to me more now even than swing dancing. And yet, very little opportunity for practice and such.
I've done what I can with both these things, so there's no use in thinking about them more. I've submitted my cover letter, my resume, and my website to IDEO. I will call them again tomorrow, and this time when their voicemail kicks in I'll just leave a message. And they probably won't call back, or if they do they'll just say "yes we got your application" on my voicemail. And I've contacted someone about practicing blues dancing with me. It's just that it might be a month or so before we can even try practicing once. I can't afford to go to Austin, Texas for BluesShout, so there's no use in thinking about that anymore.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my whole body was on high alert, thinking about blues dancing and IDEO. I'm not sure how I manage that. Too many waking dreams? How do I manage to daydream so much about a job interview? Seriously... do normal people do that? Walk around living their lives while they imagine what they'd say to this or that question, making up scenarios and opportunities in their head? I seem to manage it rather well myself.
It's wonderful that I've found things that excite me. Why not appreciate that and let go of all the longing? Reminds me of something I read not so long ago... looked it up. From Ruling Your World: "Desire is a creature with an endless appetite. Like a spark put to dry grass, it just consumes. By its very nature, it can never be satisfied, because it is rooted in the aggression of looking outside ourselves for relief. That expectation always results in disappointment, self-generated pain. It's the mind giving itself a hard time." Right. Makes sense. So... I was feeling fairly content, and then finding something I get really into somehow made me more unhappy because I got caught up in desire and expectations and disappointment? Well, we can't be having any of that. I found these things in the first place because I was just settling in and enjoying what was in front of me. It's fundamentally good for me to explore and appreciate them. Just need to have my mind stop giving itself a hard time now.
It's easy to see the power of desire... My daydreams about IDEO (which I've clearly managed to idolize the way one unrealistically idolizes an object of romantic infatuation) can actually be quite enjoyable themselves. It can be hard to let go of grasping desires when the very experience of desiring can be thrilling. But I find myself losing my focus on the life in front of me. There is so much to appreciate and interact with, and I'm letting it slip away the more I long for things like IDEO and blues dancing. Enough so that even realizing this, I can't just snap back to being present, I just find myself still grasping and desiring, wanting to get back to where I was in the moment and somehow still not there. Yes, that's right, I'm grasping at the desire to let go of grasping and desire. In the past I'd just get further twisted up in that - because ultimately, that's always been my largest desire and I've let my head give me a hard time about it so many times over by now. But this times around, there's a certain lovely irony in it. It's amusing. It's human. I will simply do what I can.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Professional reconsiderations
I'd say that I seem to be entering a new phase in my life, but the fact is that all kinds of things are shifting all the time and "phases" are fairly subjective distinctions about where we identify turning points. At any rate, my interests, professional aspirations, and educational plans are undergoing some interesting shifts.
Professionally, I was thinking for a while about staying at M&I for some time in order to take advantage of tuition reimbursement and get my MBA. I figured it couldn't hurt in general if I got another corporate job, but it would also be an opportunity to put together my business plan and work towards opening my own small business. And yet I came to some realizations a few weeks back:
1. While I still think I would thrive in a small business setting, the actual businesses I've been interested in opening matter less and less to me. The particular businesses I used to care about feel less important, and I want to do something that... matters more? Maybe it's just that my definition of what matters has changed.
2. I'm somewhat disgusted with what I feel I'm contributing to in our department at M&I Bank. I believe the people I work with are basically good people, that our excesses are not really worse than our competitors, etc. but I think we're just another example of an industry gone wrong with no one willing to stand up and make a real change, working in a system that does not allow anyone but those at the top to do so in the first place. I have become better at managing within this system and being patient, and even so my real motivation to contribute is at an all time low. I am no longer willing to stay much longer than is necessary to find something else that will actually feel meaningful to me.
3. I find my interests shifting over time, away from the purely abstract, theoretical mucking around in thoughts for the enjoyment of it, and more towards the concrete, the scientific, the practicalities of living in the world and helping to make it better. And since consciously realizing that, I have found the beginning of some direction for where to put my curiosity and focus. More about that in another post, I'm sure. In a general sense, though, I'm doing more and more reading, listening, exploring - entering more of an active self-education phase.
This was all more fresh and exciting to me a few weeks ago, when I actually started writing portions of this post. Now it's more mundane to me, but I'm glad to see some new opportunities opening up for me. Funny how some days being glad or joyful is more of a mental awareness, and other days I FEEL it. I'm on a strange edge somewhere between right now, trying to totter myself back to something more visceral.
Professionally, I was thinking for a while about staying at M&I for some time in order to take advantage of tuition reimbursement and get my MBA. I figured it couldn't hurt in general if I got another corporate job, but it would also be an opportunity to put together my business plan and work towards opening my own small business. And yet I came to some realizations a few weeks back:
1. While I still think I would thrive in a small business setting, the actual businesses I've been interested in opening matter less and less to me. The particular businesses I used to care about feel less important, and I want to do something that... matters more? Maybe it's just that my definition of what matters has changed.
2. I'm somewhat disgusted with what I feel I'm contributing to in our department at M&I Bank. I believe the people I work with are basically good people, that our excesses are not really worse than our competitors, etc. but I think we're just another example of an industry gone wrong with no one willing to stand up and make a real change, working in a system that does not allow anyone but those at the top to do so in the first place. I have become better at managing within this system and being patient, and even so my real motivation to contribute is at an all time low. I am no longer willing to stay much longer than is necessary to find something else that will actually feel meaningful to me.
3. I find my interests shifting over time, away from the purely abstract, theoretical mucking around in thoughts for the enjoyment of it, and more towards the concrete, the scientific, the practicalities of living in the world and helping to make it better. And since consciously realizing that, I have found the beginning of some direction for where to put my curiosity and focus. More about that in another post, I'm sure. In a general sense, though, I'm doing more and more reading, listening, exploring - entering more of an active self-education phase.
This was all more fresh and exciting to me a few weeks ago, when I actually started writing portions of this post. Now it's more mundane to me, but I'm glad to see some new opportunities opening up for me. Funny how some days being glad or joyful is more of a mental awareness, and other days I FEEL it. I'm on a strange edge somewhere between right now, trying to totter myself back to something more visceral.
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