The definition of relaxation

I find myself questioning what I really consider relaxation, whether I've somehow managed to condition myself to consider relaxation in rather odd, entertainment-based terms.

I've been more mindful these days about doing what I consider best when I just want to wimp out and veg on the sofa watching television or wallow around feeling upset or something. I've continued to improve at just getting up and doing what I know I truly want/need to do and accomplish. I'm developing my discipline.

But at times when I have a half hour before bed and I truly just want to relax and unwind, my impulse is to watch a half hour of television. Is that really relaxing? I think I might be trying to turn my brain off, get it away from the constant questions and challenges and excitements of the day, but that doesn't exactly seem ideal. I would like to develop something more like gradually winding down, relaxing, calming... and it seems to me that being present to my world may in fact be rather important for that. And really, the kind of mindfulness that we talk about in Buddhism is all about being awake and yet relaxed. In theory, to live in this state more often, it should be easier to just let go of the awake part a bit when it comes time...

So here I am, deciding to read a newspaper article I have out and muse on the nature of relaxation on my blog, rather than watch television. But look at this: I've been up for a full hour now, my mind is racing with thoughts about small houses due to the article I was reading, and I feel as though I basically just succeeded in staying up and doing stuff for another hour rather than really relaxing for a while.

I might like to think I just need to find the right combination of things... classical music and warm milk and a good book of fiction. And yes, I do find that to be more calming and easier to fall asleep after than anything non-fiction or engaging with new ideas. But honestly, I think it's really more about something deeper. I think it's about finding that sense of calm and relaxation, that comfort with being present moment to moment, in general. And there are many things I know I can do to work on that.

I usually seem to be battling off sleep pretty rapidly when I do sitting meditation. Probably time to start taking advantage of this fact and meditating right before bed. Time to give it a try!

At the moment

I can hear the ceiling fan creaking and clicking overhead, and that sort of full bodied quietness of night time with the windows open.

There are so many thoughts that could threaten to overtake me, for the awareness of possibilities tends to excite me and get me all in a dither. But for now, it seems that my larger mind just sees them and lets them pass by, or lets them sit there lurking under the table without feeling the need to feed them table scraps and train them to keep coming back.

There is agitation and unrest even in the midst of this peacefulness, but in some ways it almost makes the peace more full, more real.

It has been a long time since I so enjoyed the fact of going to bed for the real experience of it and the satisfaction of knowing its benefit in my life, even while wanting so much in so many ways to remain conscious - to rest here a bit longer, to think with a little more clarity than usual, to act on things I often dither my way out of clearly acting on.

Part of building real abiding confidence is having the trust that doing the right thing, caring for those basic physical needs rather than allowing myself to give special dispensation to unusually enjoyable or clear states of mind, strengthens the likelihood of their return... trusting that one way or another, I am on my way somewhere, and letting go, not needing to own this moment or this mind, is the path.

Gentleness, nowness, and inquisitiveness

I've gotten pretty darn good at this whole gentleness with yourself thing. Suddenly I'm realizing that there's just a whole layer of self doubt and self harassment and self deprecation that just isn't happening for me. I've gotten really good at accepting things as they are, including my own thoughts and emotions (comparatively, of course - we all always have a long ways to go). And there's just been this vague feeling of, "okay, now what?"

At last night's Contentment in Everyday Life class, three qualities of contentment were discussed: gentleness, nowness and inquisitiveness. And I realized that sure, I've got the gentleness thing covered far better than any other point in my life. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm settled into the present moment and fully engaged, inquisitive, alert. So that's my emphasis now... within that feeling of acceptance and gentleness, how do I continually perk myself up, see what's around me, and find that sense of inquisitiveness.

This morning I not only did my physical therapy exercises, but managed to do the sitting meditation and contemplation as assigned in class as well. As part of my gentleness program I've accepted that daily meditation practice just isn't a priority for me right now because I need to put my disciplined energies into other things, but the benefits I experienced from practicing this single day remind me why it's still a goal... and make me think maybe it's time to start re-prioritizing it even if I do have more than ever to put my attention on. It's not just one more thing to fit into the day... it's the foundation for everything else. But I think I'm finding that I don't need to decide, okay, now I'm going to start doing this every day. I can just notice the benefits and the fact that I was glad to do it, and look to see opportunities each day where I can integrate it more.

I think perhaps the contemplation exercises seem more immediately helpful to me than shamatha meditation, which makes sense given the way I have generally internalized these teachings more by understanding and practicing the techniques in my daily life than by meditating and then bringing that out into the world. But they also make the meditation feel more meaningful as well, turn it into a sort of support for the contemplation.

Tweets

It's lovely outside. I drove home with the windows down. Now I'm watching the sun set through my kitchen window, which is cracked to enjoy the fresh air and the birdsong. There is something so fresh and real about this simple experience.

My RSS feeds are already eating me alive, and I haven't even had them set up for a week. Having chosen to engage more actively, stay on top of various blogs and other emerging sources of information/exchange regarding design thinking and related concepts (and I seem to be relating everything these days), I am indeed already overwhelmed by the quantity of information and discussion out here on the internet. I had previously avoided maladies like an addiction to facebook, but having a more compelling reason to engage with with the digital, socially networked world seems to have pulled me into the vortex.

It's interested to come up for breath for a moment, look around and realize how compelling this physical world in front of me is. I'm lost online and in my head because I'm excited about engaging with the world, but I must remember that's why I'm there in the first place. I do have a lot of catching up to do, much to read and write and think about. But there's no point in any of it if it's not grounded in the direct experience of life. I look forward to finding a healthy balance in these things.

So, to my nonexistent readers, feel free to follow me on my new twitter page @dianaluepke - I do my best to tweet worthwhile things (links I find truly worth sharing, etc.), only about once a day. But I can't pretend to even begin to be as compelling as the tweeting coming from outside my window. (Oh, I know, it's a horrible and horribly obvious pun/trope, but I had to do it. I like bad puns, and I'm usually not quick enough to even notice the obvious ones, so I'm usually stuck laughing at those delivered by other people.)

This is pretty great.

Being sick is no fun. The worst part of it the past few days has been difficulty getting good sleep. It's almost as though I'm not truly sick until I happen to be in a horizontal position. And then my body remembers, oh yeah, I'm sick, none of this sleeping business.

But even now, faced with the prospect of an early morning tomorrow, tired, and yet unable to sleep... I'm very clear on the fact that in certain fundamental ways, I am the happiest I've ever been.

Some things have settled. I feel ever more confident in my ability to navigate the natural ups and down of my life and my own thoughts and emotions. Some things are just... quieter.

And some things have woken up. I have entered a period of voracious curiosity, where there simply is not enough time in the day to read all of the news articles, blog posts, and nonfiction books on my ever-expanding list, not enough time to capture all the thoughts and questions and comments flowering out in response to what I come in contact with. I'm more connected to the world. For the first time in my life, I'm consistently on top of current events, I have some sense of awareness of my place in the larger world and within history. And part of that awareness is a new intensity of focus on how I want to contribute, what particular areas I'm curious about truly understanding.

I used to avoid dealing with politics and other worldly topics in part because I got frustrated with the ways in which everyone seemed to oversimplify these topics. There didn't even seem to be a basic mode of discussing politics that got at the heart of things, that sought real solutions that embraced all the complex pieces instead of just oversimplifying and pointing fingers. I felt like it would take more energy than I had to even be truly educated on one topic, so in some sense, why bother. But I also knew this would change, I also felt that I was trying to get my own house in order and that one day I would be more responsible in connecting with the world around me.

So perhaps that day has come? And it makes sense. In many ways, my own house IS in order in ways it hasn't been in the past. There are certain sorts of stability, confidence, and clarity that were not always there.

But I also think it is a matter of external circumstance. My discovery of design thinking really blew me away in terms of realizing there are others out there wanting to engage in the sort of way I have always longed for. There are other people actively advocating that we deal with complexity and real human needs in the business world. And in finding what amounts to a sort of community, I suddenly realize how lonely I must have felt all this time.

This just now occurred to me as I'm writing. And it seems right. In a way, I have always been rather lonely on an intellectual level. It can't have been so bad if I did not identify it as such at the time. But looking back now, it seems rather as though I was able to get excited about pieces of things along the way, but felt on some level like they didn't truly belong to a larger puzzle. All of the things I have cared about on a professional or outward goals sort of level are things that still matter to me, but now I see them as smaller aspects of this larger picture, and I see that there are others who are working to engage with that entire picture. In fact, I see that sort of thinking infiltrating the business world at large. And with that reassurance I suddenly seem to have the confidence to forge ahead and make my own connections too.

Convergence

I just got back from a dinner with Acharya Richard John at the Shambhala Center. More than anything, it was like a little peak into the much larger world that is the shambhala community, all of the levels of training and seminary and retreat and ways to be involved, the "secular" shambhala path and the buddhist stuff, the international structure of the organization, etc. etc. And I just think, wow, there are people out there patiently and diligently laying the foundation for an enlightened society.

The Acharya referred to a process of "prototyping" an enlightened society, and it reminded me so much of the discussion of prototyping in design thinking.

I feel at peace. I have discovered communities of people who are working to create something of great meaning and effectiveness in the world, in a way that fits for me. The movement of design thinking, and the shambhala community - they seem to complement each other so extremely well, one constantly reminding me of the other. It's like one started from the religious/spiritual practice and brought it outward with a strong focus on action in the world... and the other started with principles we already have about organizations and acting in the world, and newly infused it with those sorts of deeper meaning. Coming from seemingly very different places, they are converging on the same wisdom.

The inspiration of good company

How is it that the smallest things can be such important pivot points for us?

I went to Acharya Adam Lobel’s talk Wednesday night because I knew it couldn’t fail to help get me back on track from my increasingly negative and murky state of mind. Worked wonders.

I always love to re-discover the energy of a weekend with a good amount of unplanned time. I used to spend every Friday night cleaning and dancing around the apartment, but last night was the first time I did that in a while. When I'm in the right spot mentally, open weekends have this amazing energy, simplicity, and potential - a chance to appreciate each passing moment as I make progress with things I care about.

So I've argued that maybe meditation isn't so vital for me to understand and integrate the fundamental principles of Shambhala in my life. I've let this thought roll around in my head along with other related ones about the importance of meditation, etc. And I seem to come back to the same conclusion: perhaps I do come at this from a different angle than most, but I suspect a more regular meditation practice would do wonders for me. I have an unusual ability to notice the details of my life and the workings of my own mind, and I can make progress in my understanding by applying that ability. But the challenge for me is keep my mood, my emphasis, my attention on an even keel. The touchstones of meditation, readings, and interaction with others at the center matter as the elements that keep me steady in this progress, keep me inspired. I can see my own mind clearly, and know that I believe in basic goodness and joy - and still feel myself in an anxious muck of a mental mess. There is something about interacting with others who consciously embody these principles, and making a conscious space for its cultivation in my life, that keeps it FEELING real.

I'm still working to get many, many things integrated into my daily routine. Physical therapy stretches, various sorts of exercise, eating more consistently, etc. etc. It's not worth it to me right now to focus too much on meditating daily, because it becomes one more thing on that list and drags away the feeling that it's something I WANT to do. But I can accept that it is something I WILL find a way to incorporate eventually, I can be glad that all of the other things I'm working on do in fact contribute to that larger picture of physical and mental health (and insight, and effectiveness). And I can augment the emphasis on routine with more efforts to inspire myself with positive company. The more time I can spend AT the center, the more I can cultivate relationships with others, and the more I can bring these principles into my interactions with existing relationships in my life, the better.